I think you can die from bordom...

I know that I shouldn't complain about staying home and having free time to do what ever I please but I can't seem to get the bordom out of me....

I have gone out with friends...

Okay that is another story all together..

What is it with rich drunk people that get on your nerves...

Okay so my nails aren't manicured...I freakin work in an ER my hands arn't that perddy because I wear gloves all day and wash them 20 million times to cut down on infection transmission..shoot me why don't ya.

In attempts to amuse myself I have given myself a facial...okay not really I did put on a mask to tone my face. I have talked to my son several times today but he is only interested in watching disney TV the nerve of him. It is like I am not cool to hang out with why I can't imagine why any 13yr. boy wouldn't like to hang out with his mother.

I'm Bored

Sheesh...Summer time in the desert is not very busy for registry nurses hence I have been home all week on the couch watching ever FBI file show imaginable, every investigative show on finding murderers, robbers and rapists; Still bored. This usually entertains me and gives me hours of nonstop techniques just in case I ever want to go undercover as as an FBI agent or maybe even a CIA agent.(totally possible) Not to mention the fact that something is wrong with my computer and I am convinced B@#$ B&^ is keeping my computer and down loading all the naked pictures of myself that I have collected over the years...(only pure art people I swear) and father that is just a joke okay.
What can I do with myself? What to do I think as I twiddle my thumbs? The kid is like a never ending eating machine and I can only cook and clean so much before I start to lose my mind. I have a secrete to tell all of you...I know I know...If I don't work on a regular basis I start to get anxiety, like I will not have enough money to feed the kid or pay my bills. This has been a life long problem for me due to the fact that I grew up poor, and I might just have a slight case of neurosis, but I know that you all can keep a secrete.
So, I have only been able to access the Internet when "Engineer guy" get home were I trample him and jump on his laptop. It is like I am shut off to the world. I can't stand it and to make matters worse the company fixing my computer is going to take another several days to fix and then I must find the back up disks to get all the windows stuff...Oh like I really know where thoughts are. What kind of woman do they think I am...I am not a filer of important information. I never expected my computer to turn against me in the first place and I surly can't figure out how to put all that stuff back on it. I am scratching my head asking them why they didn't back up that information don't they know that I am computer illiterate. The very reason I took the computer to the Geek squad in the first place...Ain't they supposed to have all the answers, how dare they.
So, now I am bored awaiting Engineer guy to get home so I can pump him with questions about he work day. Another thing you might not know about me is that I have a rule that when I am off from work I can't leave the house until after 2:oopm. It is blazing hot here 115 degrees I am trying to fight the aging process here so I don't want to expose my already tan skin to more UVB rays. I am left with not thing to do but torture the kid...."Your lips are dry you need to drink more water" " kid I need to read random stuff from the book"Why do Men have Nipples" in order to school him why people urine smells when they eat asparagus. This only entertains me for about a half an hour when i find out that he is really interested in belly button lint.
Thankfully I am meeting some co-workers out tonight for dinner to discuss my changing of Careers. Wish me luck and please hope that I work tomorrow before the kid and Engineer guy put me out of the house.

Random &#!+ from my couch...

Not much going on this week except for talking with my girlfriend several times a day on the phone and sitting, laying on the couch.
I think that you can exercise from the couch if you have wieghts...I am testing that theory, so far it hasen't worked but I am hopeful....
It is true I have been in a funk this week due to my recent events however I am not going to let the haters win...I refuse. So, while sitting on the couch today I flashed my boobs to the construction workers behind my house. They actually gave me a 10 for style and a 10 for size...
Well, you know what I wanted to do with that information...I wanted to take a picture of the hard working construction workers and send it to the haters at work...
Thanks for your support blog BFF's

Changing my life cause I can't change me...

I hate growing pains...
I mean when I was pregnant with the kid there were all kinds of growing pains. First of all my once flat tummybegan to enlarged with strech marks deeper than the grand canyon, it was like having an alien inside me for 10 months...again my body has changed forever...but I am sure that I would due it again in a heartbeat just to have that darn kid.
I have been thinking about re-eventing myself like Madonna has so many times in the past years. Can I leave nursing all together? I think I can if I can't get away with the pettiness of the hospital nurses.
Does anyone have any suggestions...
I thought about being a stripper but I am really to old for that...
I thought about being an accountant, but I can't do math very well...
I thought about being Mike Roug in "Dirty jobs" but I can't deal with all the crazy crap he has to do I am not good at manual labor...
I thought about becoming a truck driver so that I could cuss on a regular basis and no one would even back an eye...
I thought I could be a professsional wine taster but I don't think they pay your for that...I think you have to pay the wine people...
I know that I would be good at any job that I required me to sit on the couch..
I thought about writting a book but that takes time and knowing me I would try to write on the couch and watch TV at the same time. Procrastination at its best.

Dealing with the not so nice people of the world...

Several months ago I went to work where I promptly heard that the night charge nurse called me T & A...( I hear that that means titties and ass) how dare her say such a thing about me behind my back, but not to my face...By the way they all call her the Beast behind her back... but I only said you have nice titties too...sheesh..
Now while I find this mostly a compliment...I happened to go to a Christian college and I have a BSN and I feel like my job is a unprofessional professional job...
What is a girl to do...If I know too much and I have big boobs apparently the some nurses are offended...
How can that be?
My main concern are the patients that I take care of and trying to facilitate a team environment... and where has that got me...just down to the T & A????
You see there are a shortage of nurses not because nursing is hard but because nurses that really care about their patients and tend to be there advocate are made examples of...harsh words to be said about a nurse that really cares and that also might work out on a regular basis and might not smoke due to her very duty of living life as they preach...
While I might not be upset of my best girlfriends use my boobs as party favors I would like it if my professional life didn't include a description of my boobs...they are big they can't be hidden I have even bought scrubs that are like 2 times bigger for me so that my boobs don't take over the show...
Women why do you have to be so mean...I'm such a loving person...I know that my blog friend women are nothing like the women that I work with but I am rethinking my job as a nurse....how can this be????

My idea of a vacation...

I am on my way home from a 3day vacation..
Most people's idea of a vacation would not require their butt to be in a saddle for 3 hours a day and having a really biggg horse between their legs..but that is just me..
I am leaving the country and I was so sad to leave this morning sure I was in potato land..idaho..in moreman land Utah...
But I was free, with the wind blowing through my hair..
The horse flies large as bats biting at my horse and at my neck...Damn blood suckers.
I can barely walk without a deep soreness in my haunches.
I am happy sore or not..
and you should have seen my kid on the horses...he was the shiznizil

I'm not dead I swear..

Sorry about being MIA...
Engineer guys family is in town and I have been working like a mad woman...
I started a blog the other day that entitled Life with out AMie...but then thought that I might sound as if I am famous in my own mind which of coarse all of you that know me is aware of this very image that I have of myself...of coarse with out all the money and I have to admit most famous people do not have their fingers in places where the sun doesn't shine..AkA vagignas...old balls...
If fact I was talking to Rob RN about his family as we often like to discus all of their wonderfully crazy behavior and wondered why most families were not like ours...
Rob's family are great loving people but his father often like to torture the famly by arriving in the living room in a wife beater and underware that has long left the stages normal wear and tear...some would even call them dead...So he tells me the otyher day his brother went to visit the family and his father appeared in the living room in all his splender with his balls haning out...
No one even blinked an eye ; apparently this is normal behavior for his...then we were discussing if he had long blall hair hanging out too...( I know this is how I amuse myself) He said, Amie his ball hair has long left him like the hair on top of his head...and then it came to me...
Do men lose ball hair like they lose hair on their head...
At least he didn't have to go through the stages of pub hair turning grey...
I think most men these days just shave their balls or is that jsut my family where by my sister tells me how she shaves her husbands ball hair in the shower...
And you wonder what is wrong with me....
I am on my way to the land of the dead...but I will catch up tonight on everyone...
I miss you all...

Chronicals of love...

Still not sure what is going on at my house...
First things first:

Usually I like to talk about the little things that make me laugh in life...
Like the time I got shat on at 6 in the morning by a patient and the male nurse helping me got poo on his forehead. After all isn't life supposed to be about the little things that bring us happiness? Like this blog I started it after I broke up with Paramedic Guy...Ohhh paramedic guy...You know that it is bad when you are talking to one of the nurses that you work with and simultaneously you say, " I bet my fire medic story is better than yours". Then, I was still in nursing school a little naive and didn't know that the firefighters like to shall we say spread the lovein. These days when fire brings us patients we stick to the basics, we give them $#!+, take report and them boot em out.

So Engineer guy and I went shopping this weekend for a new couch and a bed and dresser for me. We had fun looking at at all the different couches and beds. I have moved into his house as you know but I'm not sure it was really what he wanted. I'm not sure how relationships are supposed to go. But he reminded me that at the end of the summer he is going to move into the bedroom that I have all of my stuff in maybe a hint that I need to find my own place. My mind is De boggled. I am not sure how a relationship continues on after you live with someone and then move out. It seems weird to me. It is like he plans his future without me being in it... right in front of me. I know that when he was talking to me about his plans for the future of his place he didn't mean to hurt my feelings but it makes me wonder what am I doing. I hate living in lingo out of boxes and my heart is heavy. I'm not sure that I will ever get this love thing right.

Legend...Ohhh Trisian Just come home...

I think there should be a sport called laying on the couch and watching TV. I am notoriously known for eating, drinking, showering and even having sexual relations whilst parked front and center on the couch. When Engineer guy goes out of town I become even more competitive with myself...pushing the limits to what can be done whilst my butt is on the couch. Why I have even shaved my feet on the couch. No worries I let the dead skin fall to the ground and then I promptly vacuumed them up...still on the couch.

I know some of you might think that this whole sporting event (that I have made up in my mind) might seem sloth-like but I assure you that I am not lazy; I prefer to call it procrastinationalistic at its best. I think I might have even won an award for procrastination, but as rumor might have it ...I didn't attend the ceremonies due in largely by my need to lay on the couch.

Where do you ask did I learn such techniques? Of coarse from the master herself...Ma. She never needed to leave the couch because she tortured Me into doing all the chores that she refused to do from the couch. At least I have some kind of drive... at least I vacuum. I actually believe procrastination is a X dominate trait passed down from generations to generations. My sister it seems too is also inflicted with this trait; however she has 4 kiddos to do all her errands, grocery shopping, cooking and cleaning. Those kids I tell you what they are efficient. The last time I went to her house I was told by the MP that I could not drive on base ...so my middle niece at 5 yrs old had to drive me around...

So, whilst Engineer guy is out of town next week I will be permanently parked front and center on the couch. I'll pull out my porno Legend of the falls...and say out loud...Ohhhh Tristan come back to me I know I can heal your broken heart. Man I love that move...

PMS isn't that a B!+@#

According to my PMS regulator that I wear on my badge I am at high amount of hormones currently...
So, please excuse me this week if I sound a little B!+@#%...
Ever just have thoughs days where you have a random hair on your chin and you spend hours trying to pick it off your chin...
Or have you ever had thoughs days that you ask your self why do I care really...
I wish sometimes that I had a heart of tin or stone so that my heart would not care as much but much to my brains distern I can not help that feeling of caring about others...
You you can imagine when I uncovered a man tonight with a oxegen hose up his peni...
Tears to my eyes as I try and make him feel comfortable...
Alone and trying not to feel a burning pain to his leg he became hopeless...
This is why I say take my mind before my body starts to give..
He was a sweet man and I did what I could do...
I'm not sure I will not ever be able not to care..
and this is apart of what is wrong with me...

Me at five years old..oh how things change....

A day and a life of me...
up at 9:00 am and then off to work by `1400 (2:00 pm)...
2 Gun Shot Wounds at the same time...
We are not a trauma center and we have to fly these people out!!
my fingers in some 90 ish old womans vagina..
2 MVA at the same time...again fly these young boys out!!
One trauma with a nose that has been removed from a young mans face...Send him to a trauma center...yell at the paramedic..this guy is a trauma get your monitor and he is on a back board in c-spine precations..handle it...they think I am mean..
no I am just serious...this kid could die of shock...
Giving pain drugs that are ten times stronger than morphine IV..
starting an IV on a 6 week old baby in respritory distress..
leaving at 4:00 am..
Molesting Engineer guy...he is a team player...
Then up again to do it all over again..
and you wonder why I am not normal???

You know you are tired when...

You know you are tired when you wake up with a peanut butter sandwich half eaten smashed to the side of your face...
oh and you have to wash the sheets before Engineer guy gets home...
I hope he doesn't read this..

I'm crazy I have finally accepted it...

I am so tired, I mean my new shift at work is 2 pm to 2 am. I know they are out to get me...
Some one is trying to torchure me... I think they are plotting against me...I feel like I should be wearing a letter A on my scrub top. Maybe they think I am a witch or something. I feel like Deme More in the movie "Letter A "(totally not a bad thing right althought the film got bad ratings) I wouldn't mind being her you got to love her hair and she is married to a younger guy, but I heard that he has a small peni...not so good. No you can work with it I think or so I have heard. Maybe he is really good at massaging stuff if you know what I mean. Engineer guy doesn't have that problem so I wouldn't really know I am just guesstimating. ( father I am a virgin I swear, I only see peni at work and let me tell you is isn't pretty). There is nothing pretty about old balls with grey pubs that hang to the ground. Did I just say that out loud, for get that I said that. Moving on I know you all think I have an obsession with peni and I do but can you just accept it and just give me the love. I mean really I am forced to wear the letter A for goodness sakes. Is that wrong? So I have to admit something yes I am p#@@* I moved in with Engineer guy. I know I know I think that he was having Chest pain when I was moving stuff in but he is the love of my life and although it is just for a couple of months I went against the man and hung up my painting in the front room. He is in Vegas right now so he is not aware of my decorations. I just think that he doesn't want me to take over his house, however I thought that if I flashed him my boobs when he gets to the house he won't even notice the painting...What do you think?
The first part of recovery is acceptance...and as my Mother always says all you got to be is pretty...and you wonder what is wrong with me??

Thoughts I ponder...

I wonder if I have broken the world record for "times in one day a person can flush the toilet. "

Seriously I have to pee every five minutes...

and to make that worse Engineer guy's toilet seems to be the new battle of my life. The very dame of my existence...

I think his toilet is plotting against me or something because it knows that poo is the Nemesis of my life.

I mean really shouldn't you just have to flush it once and all the continence should just magically disappear right? Is that too much to ask for I mean really I do turn on mood music and candle lights but nothing helps.

Wrong not when you use his toilet. It seems like you have to stand there and keep your fingers on the flusher for eternity and then maybe just then you will get lucky and it will swirl all of the water down the drain...

except for small pieces of salad you ate the night before...

Go figure?

Life is suppost to be a beach right?

First I would like to say that I am wearing granny panties right now while writing this blog...
Ahhh I wish my life was like a beach. My life then would be practical I would know what to expect. You know the tide would come in everyday and the tide would go out. The best part of that is that the moon would really be my boss of sorts. I wouldn't have control of the fish that pooped in my water, but I know that I wouldn't have to obsess about the bacteria because I would also have fish that ate poop...life would then be grander right??
I have often told Engineer guy that I love him to the deepest end of the ocean till the very last grain of sand and it is true. Communication is not our strong point I have to say and well I am down right stubborn at times and so is he. What I ask you bloggers is what the key to life? I have search long and hard for it but till it evades me. I mean really shouldn't there be some kind of training coarse that we go though in life that prepares us for relationships?Don't you concur? No matter how hard I try and stick to my guns and I have some big ones...guns that is ...okay I have big boobs too...which sometimes causes me trouble but that is a whole other story I will get to sometime soon. Relationships are hard they can be difficult; personally I would choose to go though life without feelings but that I know is no way to live..Damn it Jim I have gone so soft. I guess it is my old age that has cause me to give a s#!+ these days. Tonight more talks about the future...love and the pursuit of happiness. Until then I am wearing granny panties so I don't have pull them out of my crack!

Times are a changing...

First, I would like to start off saying that I have made some mistakes these pasty 3 months that may change the coarse of my life forever. However I have been a woman that first totally freaks out, but then reverts back to my military roots; and tends to pull my self up my boot straps with my loving but crazy family at my side...Having said that I have been through worse times and when one door closes the other door opens... I am optimistic even thought I have probably shed enough tears to flood a lake...I take full responsibility I am human that is fallible as all of us are...
Rules of engagement..
Ruloilo 1: Never Never leave any man behind even if you are not sure that you can drag them out of danger or stop the bleeding...
It has come to my attention that my actions over the last several months (and I am not talking about cheating here) are too much for Engineer guy to handle. I can understand He is just trying to protect his heart. I can be pretty harsh at times coming from a military back-round, and I am pretty sure he is really not ready for responsibility of and "even if" relationship with me that is. So, I have decided to move forward and move into a place of my own. I guess when you make mistakes that you have to pay for the consequences and I am ready to do that although it sometimes is a hard pill to swallow.
Rule 2: My sister and I are BFF but we still have some sibling rivalry between us at times. My family is not normal, but who's family really is. What I can say about them...
In the line of fire they come though with their Amarillo sapotos (yellow shoes) on and will fight for the death of you. My Ma was like this," I can talk all the S#!+ about my children but anything said bad about them she would pull your wig off" A true story. My mother in her younger years happen to pull of the wig off a woman that thought she could take my 5'0 ft 98 lb. Mother in a Bar. I guess Ma showed her. My sister you have to love her...She recently went to Washington DC were my Brother-in_law (FLEW IN FROM IRAQ HIS 3rd. TOUR) and gave a speech about communications. in DC After the party my sister and her mother-in-law decided it would be fun to drink 5 or 6 bottles of wine, where in then sister vomited on her ball room dress and found herself naked on the bed next to her Mother-in Law. Yep that is my sister...
I have no bad feelings...
I am happy to have had the time I have with Engineer guy...
It's time for me to do what is responsible... and with I thank you for listening...

Estava gone...

Estava gone..
Engineer guy is out of town this week and seems like I haven't seen him in forever since last week I was out of town and this week he is in california working and visiting with his brother.
So, I am moving out of my roomates house and into his house...
Kind of weird for both of us:
1: I almost live with him anyway..
2: I have really never lived with a man except for when I was young dumb and married.
3: This is a really big step for him because I a crazy woman due to the very nature of my job.
4: I stick my finger many days were the sun doesn't shine...I mean really I never thought would be touching so many men's peni. I seemed fixated on this very subject I know but like a car accident I can't pull myself away from this very subject.
5: And let me tell you it is a shocker the first time you see old balls...One of the nurses the other day was asking me if it is normal for them to hang so low??
6: How should I know? I am not a guy and I wasn't about to ask one of the Dr. althought they might have thought it intertaining.
7: A fun fact for you all Men when they get older get grey pubs..Why I had no idea untill I was in nursing school...
8: I think I might be a little scarded seeing all the naked people that I have seen in my years as a Nurse.
9: Engineer guy without a fault still wants to have sex with me even after he knows that I have been touching another men's peni...I mean I don't make them cough or anything...okay only one time but I had good reason, and the poor guy just kept saying baseball think about baseball..
10: is that wrong??? Can I just say that the parasympathetic nervous system causes errections and apparently so do I...a compliment I think..
11: Engineer guy's best friend got engaged and moved out last week. It was heart breaking to see how hurt he was since they have lived together for so long. My poor baby is just a guys guy and like to hang with the guys alot. But darn it women come in and take over and he has no choice but to accept change. It's hard growning up...
12: We do live together well since I am a couch potato and usually lay in bed watching tv on my days off...I know i am exciting what can I say, but my job keeps me in fighter flight most of the time so I am just mentally drained as well as physically.
13: I am not complaining really just a little venting and a little lonely this week. I am so soft these days. What happen to the harded girl that could handle anything that was a wild horse and could not be in a commited relationship. Some of the poor guys I have dated. I just kept them so far away from me I think they thought I was like a man. No feelings just fun. However, these days I am hanging in there to couplehood because Engineer guy is such a good man...very handsome...smart.. and sexually chocolate...How can you beat that with a stick...
14: Well off to work tonight seems like i have been talked into working a 4pm to 12 am shift I am such a sucker...
15: I hope you all had a wonderful Mother's day all you mother's out there Rock on!!!

I am reminded...

Blogger's United...
This is where we all put our fists in the air and say turn that frown up-side down!!
I received a comment that reminded me that things could always be worse!!!
and that even thought things might seem dismal, even bleak; even things might seem as if everyday I might have to give a soap suds enema...
You can always just lube up with the J/Y and hope for oranges...
and so this too shall pass!!!
Today I turn things around. I am reminded that President Lincoln tried approximately 11 times (please don't quote me on that one my history is rusty) to become President before finally winning and becoming one of the quintessential Men of our day. He even had wooden teeth; I am assuming that was a good thing.
and just so you know J/Y jelly is good for many things other that it's intended use..
Yes...a trial by fire!!!
Thanks blog land...

This picture describes my life....

There was a photo of a man on a beach laying on his side with his testicals hangin out however I was unsuccessful at plublishing this picture...I am not sure why...so
until then you all are going to have to use your imagination!


In a nutt shell..Okay so maybe his nutt is not in a shell..Life, Liberty, and the pursue of happiness is what we all aspire to attain, but what makes us happy??For many years I have not given myself an option for failure. Failure, I repeat has not been an option, but as I would chose not to see it (because denial always has worked bestfor me) I have have done the almost impossible...Admission of failure to myself and some of the people that I love..I would love to go through life hard as a rock, solid in my own mind but I am no longer that Super woman that I was in kindergarden that my mother worked so hard to sew for me...I am indeed a woman that has some problems that I must face...How do you deal with making mistakes in your life I ask you old faithful readers of mine...I would like to of coarse talk about the last succces of my life the baseball size abcess that I... I &D'ed. I would love to talk about the yellow, green serioussangous fluid that oozed from the laceration that I inflicted, but even that story doesn't cheer me up...Tell me fellow bloggers...how have you successfully dealt falling short....P.S. I hope you enjoyed the pic of the day!!!

It's Official..I had to draw in my eyebrow

It's official...
and some un-offical rules:

A: I have finally become full on cholla (slang for Mexican girl born is USA or that grew up in east LA and hung out at echo park)(hey I don't make up the slang I am just trying relay the Mexican slang code as much as I can interpret myself)

or

B: I have turned into my mother.

Either way I look at it; it is like I have crossed some right of passage that most Mexican girls do when they are fifteen. The family throws a huge party that can be really tachy (as evidence of all the plastic flowers and not even the good kind that can fool the eye; the party is really expensive called a Quinceanera.Every girl wears a dress with fluffy pink shoulders that burry any sign of life and a princess train that is so cumbersome that one is unable to sit all night.I have actually seen girls fall over due to the sheer force of the Quinceanera dress. A force that was beyond the control of the matriarchal women in the family. It's like the ghost that is passed on from generations to generations. Most Mexican families swear that they have had a ghost living in their basement at one time or the other.

On my white Dad's side of the family (I am sorry should I have said the political term for white, Okay redneck side of my family came from Arkansas.)They also had a right of passage at fifteen. It was called, "Oh $#!+ I'm pregnant with my step-brothers child I better get married or my Dad is going to kill me" (a true story by the way)

So you ask yourself what could cause this right of passage. I was grooming my face 2 days ago when I accidently shaved off half of my eyebrow. $#!+ (my grandmothers favorite word in english). Now what do I do? I am perplexed how could I let this happen. So what did I do?

Like any Cholla girl would do I drew them on with a eyeliner stick. I was hoping by the end of the day that my new black eyebrows would not smug off, but I was unsuccessful at that endever. So with my smugged eyebrows I looked into the mirrow only to find that I looked like my Mother. Yikes I screamed.

Oh my mother is a beautiful woman at the age of 45 (the age she admits too), But she seems to get stuck in certain decades. I like to say that her eyebrows (think Pamela Anderson) are round and very thin and for years she drew them in... plucking them till they were almost not there. The 70's decade that she is not willing to let go off. Then there is the 80's decade that her permed hair is unwilling to leave with the bangs and all...

So you can see my delema. So, I drew black eyeliner on my lips filled the rest of my lips in with red lipstick. I am hopping that Engineer Guy is into my new look!

It's Official..

Ever go to work....

Sh!+ that plagues my mind...

1. Ever go to work with next day hair??

a) yes, my hair did look a bit unmanaged to put it politely: I have over active sebaceous glads! Gosh (it was oily)

b)To my defence 0430 AM comes about really fast...

2. Even more troublesome ever go to work with 2Nd. day eyeshadow...

a)Why I was still sparkle girl at 0430 AM I figured why not keep it that way I'd be extra fresh..


b) No worries I washed up the Vagina parts including and the ever so left out at times the anus and the underarms of course...Not that I ever forget but lets just say it run into it a time or too on the job..

c) Hey I don't look at every anus that walks though the door of the hospital Just the Dirty ones fall into my care...

3. Ever get to work and feel the urge to Poop?

a) you have no idea how troublesome this is to me...

b) half of the time I lie to myself Most of the time I have convinced myself that I never do #2.

c) I hate it when this happens and I am forced to will myseld into thinking that I don't have to poop!

The cure to all this photop is to drink two glasses of wine and remember to take an Aspirin in the morning..
Just telling it like it is :)

Things to ponder?

1. My mother found my sister's vibrator in the closet when she was helping my sister move!
2. My sister who is married with 4 children, Called me and said," I can't believe Mom found my vibrator...She acted like she didn't see it , but she might-as-well have hit me with the bible"
3. I told my sister to remember the Catholic Girl Code, If you act like it didn't happen then It really didn't happen.
4. Which brings me to my next fun fact to ponder....Why ohhhh why do men stick 60 watt light bulbs up there back end?? I mean really don't they worry that the light bulb might break??
5. They come to the ER and they know that we are going to do an x-ray they only admit to it after there is proof?? More things to ponder...
6. When I was 23 yrs old I went to the GYNO for my yearly pap smear. I always choose a male Dr. that is the oldest fart I can find so that he is conservative... and has probably seen it all but is past his time of caring to much about seeing everything... and I hate the boob checks...
Disclaimer: I think it is very important to check your breast every month...
But doesn't is seem funny to have your Dr. who reminds you of your grandfather checking your boobs..."I was like is it normal for the Dr. to pinch and squeeze your nipples??" My mother assured me that it was part of the exam...
7. I was really dumb back then and I thought that it was normal...Then then He asked into his office and proceeded to ask me if I was being safe... and if I had put anything up in my stuff that should have not been there???
8. What??? I had no idea what he was talking about and I turned bright red with embarrassment..
9. Next came the exam....Gosh I was so dumb
10. He had the nerve to stick his finger in my back end...
11. Again I asked my mother if this was normal?? and she said yes....
12. And you wonder what is wrong with me???

just a quick note before I work...

Heading the land of the brave nurses...sheeesh..county
Did I really say that I wanted to be a nurse...just kidding!!!
Well, just for a quick note..my gayboyfriend says he is not cheating on me but we will see..
He does like alot of attention...okay so..do I what am I talking about???
I am heading to Engineer guy's house tonight for dinner..
He we have had some troubles but hopefully he can weather the time with me...
I really do love him...
I made him go to the foot doctor...
It kills me to see him hurt in any mannor...including the pain that I have inflicked on him...
So, Love just know that I am thinking of you...
Oh and all my peeps..too...
check you all out when I get home.....interested in what you have to say...
Hopefully I will not have to see to naked people today...but that is no promise....
take care...again...thanks for stick with me...all of you...keeps my spirtit up!!!
CongrandS one the 5 lbs. Micheal...I know your heart is happy...and so am I!!!!

Why is my life so complicated....

I swear that my life is like a trashy romance novel...
Having a gay boyfriend is very demanding especially when he threatens to cheat on you with another nurse...
and the other nurse happens to have a crazy drama life of her own...
Why me??
I find my self in the most particular situations...
You see loyalty is very important to me...I don't want to tell my gay boyfriend why he should not be involved with this particular nurse...and well why would he want to cheat on me anyway..I mean I get all of his jokes....I am not put off because his mother wants him to eat her barnacles off her feet...His Brother answers the door stark naked...with spray bottles everywhere with various cleaning agents....No, I am not turned off...in fact I find it funny....
Besides she has told me personal things in strick confidence...
Where do I draw the line....
Why me??
Here is what I am finding out nurses are crazy...strait up just crazy anything and everything can happen and does...
I try to stay out of the mix but I can't help myself...
I wonder daily if I am going nuts too...worried about everyone and everything....
Life is a Battle field....
but my life is exciting so I can't complain to much....
and having a gay boyfriend is so great...It is all about the love...it is like having a girlfriend that always wants to talk to you about stuff...
I'm blessed...anyway I already told him...he's going to be wrecked up...He makes me laugh cause he gets me...and I get him...So gay boyfriend cheat on me if you want to but I warn you and you know that I am always right...just like I was right about hep C

Feeling much better...brighter days ahead of me no worries

Dear Peeps,
Thanks for all of your support...
Life is different now but I am better...
So, one of my nurse friends calls me the other day...
His mother is about 75 yrs. old, a kingdergarden teacher still and lives for the movie "Pirates of the Carribean"
She leaves him a message...
Rob I'm taking a bath right now (mind you the very thought of her taking a bath is just wrong) and so anywho she says, "I'm taking a bath right now and I am washing the barnicals off my feet do you want to eat them??"
I swearr...I thought I was going to die of a laughing coniption...
And he says to me and you wonder why I am an ER nurse???

I'm still breathing that is all that matters!!!

Hey all...yes I am still a live Resperations equal and unlabored.
My heart has beening going though a lot of changes but I am strong and i will survive...
I am moving from my 500 sq feet apartment so I will not have internet access for a week or so...but I will Q you all into how things come all out..
Until then I am spending some much needed time with my friends that love me and my sister..
I think of you all often and do not want to fail you...more peni stories to come I promise..and maybe even some vagingna stories too!!!

When is it time...

We all have thoughts days in our life when we ask ourselves is it time...

You know like when you go into labor and it is 0300 am in the morning and you lie to your Doctor and tell him the contractions are 5 M-I-N-I-T-E-S apart...
Not really they just feel like they are!! an your body tells you it is not time.

Or when Your Mother calls at 1000 pm at night and talks about her Period again...Ummmm
I hate to tell you Mother but at 53 yrs. old ""Cough"" I mean 40 yrs. Old...
"Your going though the change in life"...Gosh I hate it when she uses thoughts words...
and then you think is it really her time??? No pun indented on the color of thoughts words...

Or when your boyfriend no longer cares if he puts the tomatoes in the salad...
Oh I know I am not always the lovable girl I portray in blog land..I have had my moments...
But when do you know that it is time to though in the towel, When to give up red meat...
I think it is when your heart is broken and there is nothing that can fix it but time...
No, worries all I know that I have my blog friends to keep me feeling as if I somewhat famous in my mind... but it will be hard...and it already is..
I guess the really hard thing to come to grips with is that I feel like he no longer loves me and that is a hard, harsh pill to swollow...and comon I give people potassium.."talk about horse pills"..

So, I ask myself and all of you when is it time??? When he no longer cares if tomatoes are in the salad???
xoxox
I'm okay just a little heart broken...

Having fun in the Virgin Islands..

Yep...you guessed it drinking again...Oh what fun!! But my eyes were closed so I decided not to torture myself and show you my crazy stare...tehee. For you Beth...Your my girl!!

At the beer festival

I'm not drunk yet...but we are getting there..I'm not so cute right here but Beth this boob pic is for you...Oh that is Engineer guy...No worries We took the bus home..

I'm Okay Really...No I don't want an x-ray..or a CT

OMGOSH...I got frigging hit in-between the eyes in the ER today I didn’t start the fight either…that is all I can really say… but I have an abrasion in-between my eyes on my nose and there is swelling…I had Engineer guy take a pic…I tell you what ! I know what it is like to think you need a nose job except no pain...I am in fighter flight my adrenalin is kicked up do to the work load today and the extremity of it all so I have no pain…Sheesh I couldn’t even use my UFC tech…A couple of weeks ago I almost had Engineer guy tap out cause I had all 200lbs and 6’3 ft in. in a head lock with my legs…He didn’t want to tap out cause I’m a girl…So I had to let go so he didn’t pass out…cause he almost did but I could not pass him out due to my Hippocratic oath that I took as a nurse to never due harm…Hey he started it…That is how we show each other love… we are country folk…West Virginia Need I say more!!!

Light as a feather stiff as a board...

Light as a Feather Stiff as a board...haven't we all play this game before!!

Well I recommend the book " Stiff ,by Mary Roach" due to the graphic nature of it all...I mean really...

Did you know according to this book that Necrophilia was not against the law untill 1979 when a woman was found in a hurst with a young dead boy!!!!

Okay you know I am full of the stories but this one takes the cake!! Icould not wait to get out the word!!!

This book is full of fun fact that are definately party favors!!!

Happy New year!!!

I wish that I could tell all my readers all about just how fun and excititng my new years was.(let's just say it wasn't 2 thumbs up or shit there was nothing,down and around )..I wish I could say that Iwas spending it with Engineer guy and his friends. I wish I could tell you about Engineer's roomates insistance to go streaking down the neighbor hood because he had just finished watching , "Old School"I wish that I would have known how much everyone had been drinking and I wish I could have brought in the new year with a bang!!!

BANG, BANG, BANG

On my new years day I was hanging with my sweet friend Jen. She tolerates all my gross abcess stories and in fact there were other nurses there at the party...so all is not lose...I didn't get to see dave streaking...(THAT MIGHT BE A GOOOD THING) I drank a little wine, soaked up all the love from the girls....and passed out at 02000!!!!! I made it another year alive and another year to cause trouble.

I would say that somethings have changed between me and Engineer guy...some growing paings but I am still pulling for him., Time will telll. Uutil then I will be living with one of my girlfrieds
I have been sad, but every day get better....and better!!!keep looking out for me I !!!
untill next time....I hope not in the ER....take care you are always in the back of my mind!

Don't be Rediculous...

I have decided that I am going to write a book. What is the book going to be about you ask since I write these rediculous stories about my life and sexually chocolate times??
I don't know exactly, I could write a book on how to catch a man, but I think that one has been done a million times over.

I might write a book on how to live your whole life with out knowing how to write perfect grammer or spell the English language. I'm thinking that idea might be original, but boring.

I could write about my adventures in dating land, except I really have only gone on a handful of losser dates and have really only been in relationships.

Maybe I could write a novel on staying in a relationship for5 yrs and then leave and move on to greener fields. I might be able to pull that off. I am certain that since I only have had one 5 yr relationship I'm probably not an expert by any stretch of the imagination.

Well, I guess untill I figure it out I will continue to write my blogs...after all I do enjoy grossing out my peers and telling all the little dirty stories that flood my mind...
and there is the peni and vagina stories that I know you all can't live without...why the other day I was talking to the secretary and he tells me that not only do vaginias come in differnt sizes (who knew?) they also have different textures...I can't even tell you what I was thinking...
cheers!

I have not been able...

I have not been able to talk myself into going to the porno store, and Engineer guy had been out of town for a week...Darn...
So, while he was gone I did talk myself into going to "Fredricks of Hollywood" for some much needed sex linzuray... for this I might of had some kind of heart palpations...Why you ask?..do I have peni in my had on a daily basis..but have trouble expressing sexuallity??...I can only contribute it to one thing...I was raised Catholic...
and I say linzuray cause well it was sexy and somewhat revealing...and it made me talk like some old rich woman...but who is really paying attention to how I talk anywho..down to the dirt...
Yes, when he came home he was surprised..So, surprised he had no clue as to why I had on his long sleeve shirt on..and high heels...DUHHHHHH
I have to give it up to Engineer guy!! He is the champ...Once I pointed him into the right direction he took over like a champ...
To all of my male readers...Don't miss the suttle signs... to the women out there hit them over the head they will get it!!!

To go to the porn shop or not??

Tisk task... Engineer guy thinks it would be funny to take me to the local porn shop and have my name paged over head so that all of the porn shopper's would know that I was interested in the magic bullet 3000 the 3rd addition.
Now, I am no stranger to many a peni since I see them all the time at work..
(I swear father this is only for medicinal reasons)
*disclaimer* I can't believe that I went to school to endless amounts and sizes of peni and vajignias...and by size I mean size... who new that some people would have cavernous vajignias or turtle peni but it is the dirty truth that I must somehow make right in my mind..;
Back to the porno store, I have never been to one of these enterprises and that is why he thinks it would be funny to go and have the store clerk give the ins-in outs of their new and improved D word... I can't even type it that is how embarrassed I would be...
How ever I told him I would go only if I had several glasses of wine and a cheerleader team coaching me though the experience...
Why with all that I see you think I could handle an assortment of extra curricular devises, but the truth is I like Engineer guy's channel changer just fine...and sometimes he even manages to make it vibrate!!!

To know some people....

From a distance...
Some people come into your life...and no matter what you are never the same...
Sometimes certain circumstances prevent them from staying close to you but you never forget their greatness...
Their greatness is so apparent to everyone around them, but hey are humble...
Thank you, you will never know how much you meant to me...

You, you know who you are...the one thing that you said to me as a new nurse was, " what you have can never be taught in any school, always trust your instinct"
and I keep that notion close to me at all times knowing that if I truly listen to my heart I might not miss anything...

Thank you...Your saddness I could feel but I hope all is better now...
We will both never be the same...

As Much as.....

Disclaimer: In order to respect my family I am unfortunately unable to discuss the content of my family emergency, Sincerely darn girl

As much as I would love to tell all of you how knee deep I was in other people's junk and trunk this week I had to unfortunately attend to a family emergency...Tuesday I was at the airport all day (from 11:00 am to 1:00 am) mostly in tears and too tired to cuss the ticket agents ( U know it was bad if I couldn't drink alcohol or cuss) I think the tears were mostly cause I had to deal with things without Number #1 taking off all my clothes and Number #2 I couldn't even stomach or think about alcohol. I can't believe I even thought or wrote that statement I'm loosing my edge. Having said that if you didn't know that I was a nurse I might sound like a stripper, but I assure you I'm only a stripper in my mind or is that Engineer's mind? (just kidding Father he would never think such things of me he loves me for my winning personality why he never even looks at my body)
I am okay...
and I think everything is going to be alright...thanks for hanging in there still...
I am indebted to all of you that have been with me for a little while and thoughts that have been with me from the beginning...I mean if I could have the delusions of grand-or that "I am famous in blog land or my mind one of the two it makes no difference as long as I'm famous" I might not be sane right now!
If it makes you feel any better I will tell you that I saw a butterfly tattoo on an old guys peni,(dirt old) balls and that area I don't even want to mention due to the very nature of it's existence...(If I had know that I would be subjected to old grandpa balls I might have re-thought my profession...stripper maybe...nahhhh I think they have to see old balls too.)
The old guy's wife was a little embarrassed about it...I of coarse acted like I could not see the one eye winking at me...
Engineer guy has been traveling for the better part of the last 5 weeks due to work. However far away he has been, he has grown closer to my heart and has shown me a love that I never even thought possible. He is just the best man I know beside my father. He has been so supportive weathering the notions of thick and thin, he has shown me that he cares more about me that just loving my scallops. Oh sure I know that if I asked him "Why do you love me so much?" (as I often do because I like to torcher him) He would tell you that it was my big boobs, but I know that it goes so much deeper than my willingness to do his laundry.
Life is short, Forgive the unforgivable...
Love to the very last grain of sand...to deepest part of the ocean..
and Engineer guy that is how much I love you!
xoxoxoxo
Thinking of you all,
Darn girl

Why yes botox...you don't think???

You don't think I stay 25 without help do you...
Damit Jim I am only one person...

Okay really...I have been in the shadows lately...never forgetting my peeps, just working a lot and missing my Engineer guy...He has been gone for most of the last 5 weeks...
and then there is the kid...we can't even speak of him...
So, rest assure wensday I will be back with all my vagina stories...I promise... and I will catch up on everyones blog...Micheal I missed your question tuesday but I have not forgotten,. Beth I ahve been wondering how you are and for all that have stood by me super...I will be back and then and then I will talk about peni again...I swear!!! I swear!!!!

First of all...

First and for most I would like to thank all of you that have hung in there for me...
more in a bit I have to go get my face frozen...

MIA...

MIA : missing in action...
Sorry everyone I have been on vacation to see my sister...
My brother-in-law left for Iraq a couple of weeks ago and I have been trying to help my sister and children with the change...He is okay but it would be nice for your prayers...
I promise to be back soon just playing catch up on work, kid...and of coarse Engineer guy. We have all been apart for about 2 weeks...
In the boys terms I have been missing for like 12 yrs..sheeesh
I am good and have been thinking of all of you ...I'll catch Up I promise...
thanks for your support!!
xoxoxo
darn girl

Happy Anniversary to Me

July 19 commiserated my first year as officially being a RN. To celebrate this very special and significant date I enlisted my partner in crime and fantabulous beautiful girlfriend V. V and I are notorious for hanging out on the weekends, drinking wine and skinny dipping. We are also notorious for complimenting each other, I tell her how fabulously wonderful I think she is, she tells me how fabulous she thinks I am, followed by how proud I am of her for attaining her dreams and being very successful in life and in her career, followed by her telling me how proud she is of me and then we end up telling each other how much we love each other...I'm telling you it is all about the love with us. Of coarse, Engineer guy rolls his eyes and smiles at how much we build each other up. Secretly he is so happy inside because mixing friends can kind of be tricky at times...

The great thing is I met V because of Engineer Guy. V is married to Engineer Guy's best friend Manager Guy so we all hang out together and we get the best of both worlds...the boys and of coarse us!!

Our day started like this: V booked us both Swedish massages at an upscale salon.
We then went to lunch...Susi, Champagne...more champagne and a dip in the pool.
As you all know once we start celebrating with more champagne, chocolate strawberries...a skinny dip in the pool...laughter and more laughter talking about our childhoods, parents...we even called my dad...(yes, father I am still a virgin). It was a day of pampering, fun in the sun and more fun!! Needless to say my phone did not survive the pool, but it was all worth it!!

I left her house early this morning with a slight hangover, but a big smile on my face. Thanks V for making my day so special.

Engineer guy couldn't not have been possibly sweeter..
He cooked for us all week, followed with dinner out and beautiful yellow orange tipped roses to top off my anniversary!!

Thanks guys you sure do know how to make a girl feel special!!!

My Hare is Fried Now What??

I left the beauty salon today after 12 hrs..okay maybe it was like only 4 hours but it felt almost like a job..
Since the begining of time I have fought with my hair, and it usually wins. It has been my nemisis. In my early 20's I started getting my hair highlighted. Highlights can be like a Drug. The very first time you get it highlighted it looks fabulous your thinking that you look like a movie star. The next time you get it highlighted it never looks the same, but you keep trying and trying to get that first high... it never happens.
I have known my hair stylist for more than a year. We are infact really good friends. Hair girl has been trying to dye my do for over a year pleading her case with my hair. My hair finally gave in about 4 months ago. My hair made her sign a contract stating that she will not fry my do or else she has to sell her first born child. The first two times she did my hair I was amazed... feeling that no one could tame my do, but she did. Today I went to the salon with high hopes that she would perform the same magic as she has previously managed, but No. Let's just say I walked out with part of my hair black...(I never had black hair) part of my hair is orange, part is white, and part of it is fried off...let's just say today was not a really good hair day...and my hair is giving me the silent treatment...

Cowboy it up....

They brought him in the room with with Lower right quadrant pain.

This is my very first time working at this particular hospital, and there for a while I was wondering if I really just walked into the State Penitentiary. I have never seen so many prisioners in orange jump suits, and handcuffs with police, and prision guards at the bedsides.

I thought boy this is going to be some rodeo, and let me tell ya it was.

So, let me tell you about my almost sexual experience with a prisioner that has been in the pen for that last 10 yrs. There he was handcuffed. (how I like to play sometimes) in an orange jump suit (not part of my usual fantacy, but hey I can bend a little) or a lot if needed.. He was very handsome, 27 yrs. old, big blue eyes, 6'0 about 170 lbs. all muscle, and tatoos from head to toe. I could sence the danger as I put on my gloves, now you know what I was thinking...Ohhh I am just so bad...I tell him for lower right quadrant pain he is going to have to strip, but no worries I will help him. I tell him I will let the guards take off his handcuffs for a minute if he promises to behave, he nods his head in agreement. I closes the curtain, they take off his handcuffs and he is true to his word...I was a little disappointed at first I thought for sure that he was going to grab me and at least feel me up, but he had a kind spirit...So, I started talking with him doing my usual assessment of feeling up his chest, and bicepts, I asked him where the pain was and he pointed to his LRQ, I suspected appendicitist...probably why he did not grab me I reasoned. I started his IV, took labs, and then I begain to ask him his story. Why are you in?...He was 16 aggrivated assult, been in 10 yrs...Awe...he told me of how he grew up on the wrong side of the tracks..used heroin in the pen. He said, "I have been watching you" Really...I started to feel flushed...this was just like my fantacy, Yes. He said, "you really care unlike the other nurses, you have been kind to me even thought I am in handcuffs"...I am thinking really its okay...I really did feel kind of bad for him since he was so cute and had been in since he was just a boy...Then he asked me for my address...Oh sh@# sexuall fantacy over with...Sorry handsome, tatooed ex-herion user prisioner...I would like to keep on living there is no way I am going to give you my address so you can come kill me later...although that does kinda sound like one of my other fantacy's minus the herion use.

It is looks like it, shounds like it ...It;'s got to be a rodeo right?

WTF?

I was at a party on Saturday getting my drink on...and one of the Ladies started talking about her husband...

Lady: My husband and I love each other so much..

Me: Awe that is sweet, how long you'all been together?

Lady: 10 years...we were partying with this couple several weeks ago, we had so much fun..oh we have our problems but he always treats me so good.

Me: Yeah don't we all have problems every now and then..but at least you guys have good communication.

Lady: Yeah...we do. Last week he told me that he thought his prostate was acting up again...Nope turns out he gave us gonarrhea..

Me: Wow, he must really love you a lot! WTF?

Jenny and Me are practically twins hu?

I didn’t think I could top that last picture so I thought I would post a pick of myself in all my lushness glory. Oh I tried to photo shop this picture. No luck I still look like I have been drinking... Maybe the drink in my hand gives you a slight hint I have been drinking (darn caught in the act) and I'm a little glazed over, shiny and well let's face it everyone knows I am a lush...It could be worse...I could got to eBay looking for make-up in the health and beauty section...only to find a Something-about -something-re-foreskin-something-or other restorer gadget. It was a contraptional devise that I never knew existed. Again I can't get away from the peni stories I guess I am on a role. Squeeze me...I thought men were all for no foreskin...turns out I guess some Men want it back...How weird is that?..stay posted I will be posting a picture it's just so wrong not too...

This is the kind of sh@# my sister sends me...

Seriously, something is wrong with my family. My sister sent this pic to me this morning and wished me a happy 4th...and you wonder what is wrong with me?

Speaking of peni, you know I can't help myself it is the nature of the beast. Since my life is like a trashy romance novel my family, boyfriend and friends know that everything that happens in our lives is subject to be written down in a blog for the sake of history...so that it can be recorded in time...

So, yesterday I send Engineer guy a text. I'm thinking that I am being clever, mixing it up some...being somewhat exciting. I text, "hey sexy how about a meeting at your house tonight with my clothes off". He calls me when leaving work.. Engineer guy " Darn girl are you sending me naughty texts while I am work, I kind of didn't understand what you ment"...WTF? Call me crazy...but I thought I was beeing perfectly clear...
Ummm...Engineer guy let me just say it bluntly (ohhh so takes the funn out of it doesn't it). On your way home from the bar call me and then I am going to sneak into the house and take advantage of you...get it. Engineer guy, " Ohhh yeah I get it" Sheesh what does a girl got to do around here to get some action????

Happy 4th of July all...

Happy 4th of July...
I am celebrating this glorious occasion just like every other born and bread american girl would...with lots of beer, BBQ and fire works! Let the celebration begin....and let there be plenty of beer.
It has been brought to my attention that half the year is gone already...sheesh what a happy thought right?...what have I accomplished over these past months...

1. One of the most memorial moments of the past year was when I froze my boyfriends penis. Ahhhh the happy moments in my life.

2. I quit my low paying job, where I was over worked and under appreciated to working all over the valley in ERs...and making a lot more.

3. I unsuccessfully fought with my boyfriend over e-mail several times, but have figured out a way to finally open up and talk with him like a normal adult, well most of the time anyway.

4. In January We said our first I love yous after roughly six months of dating...

5. I managed to get hit from behind by a scooby doo van that pleeled out and ran away...my back end is still jacked and there is no sign that I will be fixing it anytime soon.

6. I have come to grips that I am directionally challenged, and I am thankful that Engineer guy is always willing to give me directions that I can understand.

7. I went to florida with my boyfriend it was our first get away and ohhh so much fun!!: I thought I would re-post this cause I thought it was kinda cut enjoy all.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Country Girl Code

The Code:
Code name Maverick (we will get into that later) Just imagine the song "Take my breath away" playing ever so delicately... distant in backround (the fan blowing my hair just so) and me writing this in my cowboy boots and nothing else.

Rules:

Rule #1. Drink Beer

Rule#2. Drink a lot of Beer

Rule #3. Find a country boy from West Virgina and Drink Beer

Rule #4. Fly to Florida to See your Man's home boy play Live, be astonished at talent of the Band and Drink a shit loads of beer.

Golden Rule: Shanemeade.com (you guys really got to check this shit out)

Rule #5. Become a West Virgina fan by default (your man 's from there you have no choice)
OMG did he say I didn' t have a choice...I love it when he says that the more beer I drink...

Rule #6. Get pneumonia before flying to Flordia to see your man's home boy play live and still drink a ton of beer and party till like 4:00 am...

Rule # 7: Go through alcohol withdrawl the day you fly back to the desert and decide yep you definately need another beer...

Yep it has definatley been a great half of year!!!

Hohummm....

I am still suffering from writters block I write something and then erase it. OMGosh I wonder if picked up something from the hospital that was some kind of unknown bacteria or protozoa and it is starting to eat away at my brain. I scanned my medical dictonary but did not find anything to explain the writters block. Heck I could not even amuse myself by looking at all the gross pictures..that usually reminds me of something funny and then I get inspirted...Nope nothing. I have so many inappropriate subjects to offer up in a cleverly written story, but nahhhh I got nothing. Please for gosh sakes someone help me...I mean I have no new penis stories to talk about or abcess testicals to report about...I have no new anal leakage stories. I haven't been skinny dipping in a while...I guess I have just really been bored lately. While I usually have an interesting story to tell about work...I really haven't been in a couple of weeks...my boyfriend is sweet as always and no one wants to hear about how great he is all the time...I worked out yesterday...the kid and I cooked out...watched movies and went to bed. Bored..Not that he is boring he is great...someone send me something so I don't die of bordom..die dead!

Anal leakage...that's right I said it...

I have writters block... There I said it. I have been thinking for days about how I was going to tell the world about my trip to my sister's house. I wanted to talk about the day that my sister, kids, mother-in-law and husband went shopping. Aparently, one should not eat a whole plate of fried food and then take the new "Diet pill" because you might think that you only have to fart but you really will shart in your pants..I know I know but it is true. Sister and hubby were in the bathroom at Dillars when he thought he had to fart...but no it was a shart.

Of coarse my sister laughed her arse off, her mother-in-law had to buy hubby new underware. My sister wouldn't let him throw the underware away and kept it to show the family. I know they are something special, and then you wonder what is wrong with me...Sister called the whole family to tell of this glorious news and well brother-in-law tried to deny it happened. Momo the youngest of my sister's 4 kids made sure to ask her father out loud at Dillars if he remembered to grab his underware. We all laughed for days about this insident and well brother took it like a champ.
More later on my adventures... now I need to read other blogs and hopefully I will be inspired, untill then I will make sure that I don't try the new "Diet Pill" because I don't want any anal leakage while out shopping.

Well I have never seen a wild thing feel sorry for it's self..

Just got home peeps....

I write more later...catching up on things.

Send me a quote from your favorite movie!!

Yes, I made it back alive with all my clothes on!!

On my way to Sisters....

I am on my way to my sister's house...watch out world if you think I am bad with my girlfriend just wait till sister and I throw one back...

Stay tuned...I'll let you know all the juicy stuff!!

What happen to your face??

Last night I was all glittered up, boobs up, but no cleavage out. Sorry, Johnny I had to wear my new fabulous shinny shirt.

Life house went on stage and I breathed in the music. Engineer guy of coarse had no idea who Lifehouse was "living for the moment I'm with you", and had no idea who the Goo Goo Dolls were " your Name". I think Engineer guy was taking one for the team, I was in Music blist.

Johnny then went on stage, My heart skipped a beat then, I blinked my eyes...surely wait a minute it sounds like him, it looks like his fabulous hair...Johnny did you get plastic surgery...No please say didn't give in the the whole Music biz and think that you have to have cheek implants. I didn't know how to take it, I mean really arn't men suppost to look more fabulous as they age? Johnny if you are reading this...I really enjoyed the music it was magical, but for goodness sakes please no more plastic surgery. Thanks!

Is Life Really a Beach?

Is life really a beach ? and if it is how come my tubing exprience was not all it was cracked up to be? Our first mistake was to go with people that were not drinking. How can you go down the river in tubes, in bacteria infested water, with 2 English teachers, and 4hours to burn without drinking?? Girlfriend almost bit the bulled I swear! She lost her cute fabulous hat, got stung by a bee and fell off her tube. Of coarse I emediately had to start CPR, perform the heimlich manover and gave her a shot of epi that I had strapped to my arse. No worries she was still breathing when I started the CPR, she really never was choking on anything and she really didn't have a allergic reaction to the bee sting, but I was like when in Rome why not practice..well because practice makes perfect right? At least girlfriend and I got a laugh when she asked the only guy on our tubing adventure if he needed a tampon? I don't think he got the joke CAUSE HE WASN'T DRINKING EITHER? What was wrong with these people?

Ahhh last the Tubing day has arrived...and I am up at 5:00 am I'm Officially a Dork

I was tagged several days ago by my fellow blogger Willow, she asked me to write 8 things that were unknown to the blog world...
I had to think for several days about this request because my blog is all about me and my life experiences, I never hold anything back. Last night we were the girls were talking about our salt adventure and the more we talked the more I thought not about telling unknown boring facts about myself but the Rules of engagement:
As was passed down from my aunt who was married to my uncle his step sister:
Rule 1. Sometimes you have to sleep in the wet spot. I guess it's kinda like taking one for the team.
2. This is the most important rule of engagment passed down from generation to generation. Every proper Southern girl, (no matter if you just got out of the shower) Uses a fresh clean wash cloth to freshen up before going to bed. My friends looked at me crazy last night when I told them that?? Clearly they are not from the South.
3. A landing strip is a must, hair is not our friend. When I was 14 yrs. Old my aunt Ann (cousin's wife who was like a year and a half older than me gross) said you have to shave more than just the bikini line. Really? I had no idea. Thanks aunt Ann! Not only do I frequently shave a landing strip but I have gotten a little artistic and have even managed shaving a heart, an E for Engineer guy...a M for math..oh yeah he appreciates it!
4. Putting your boobs in his face while in bed is a must! I just threw that one in there because I like it!!
5. Buying new panties and is a must, but not only do you have to buy them but you have to call or text your man and tell him "guess what I did today" Got some new sexy panties...yep works every time...
Now I would tell you the rest of my rules of engagment but then I would be giving away all of my Southern country girl secrets! Enjoy!

Tubing

This Monday I am going to the salt river. I just want you to know that this can't be anything but trouble seeing how I am going with my skinny dipping partner in crime. I am not sure if any of you know about this phenomeon that I like to call "Drink with my girlfriend and then my close fall off", but it seems that everytime I see her this happens.

I have decided that I am going to pase myself down the river because I am not really fond of public nudity when it comes to myself. I have warned "Engineer guy" that We are going to the river and I can't promise that I will keep all my clothes on but that I will try. Having said that he made me sign a release that I will not get upset if he takes his clothes off...shit fire man Iwant him to be the pool boy walk around naked all the time, let us feel him up, treat him like a sexual chocolate object and bring us cocktails.

What is so wrong with that?

He put's tomato's in the salad that is how much he loves me....

No worry peeps, it is still I (was that a grammical statement or what?). No, I am not trusting my words so it is still me (AKA Marverick) That darn girl will away's remain the same unprofessionally professional that we all know is still a virgin( if my father is reading this), has a child...That kiddo is great ,but( I am still a virgin if my father is reading this ...and father and I wasn't skinny dipping the other night and no I did not use bad words and okay one time I froze my boyfriends penis but I am a nurse come on let me live a little on the egde. WE WERE JUST HOLDING HANDS I SWEAR!) I will still be writing about all my boyfriend"s great qualities until he finds me out..that I am AkA Maverick (code name for just a little crazy but not stalker crazy). Okay, I think he know's I'm Maverick because we talked about feelings the other day and let's just say that it was me telling all the feelings...porque I have gone all the way soft...what is wrong with me??


That is right I have changed my picture, porque Jenny is prettier... (sound it out like a countriey girl would say it.) Here is how my day when..cause I know all of you are just sooo excited to read what is happening in my world with all my stripping in my mind, inappropriate talks with co-workers...No, my days of Dr. Goldenrod, my days of flirting, or pulling anyone into the clean utility are far far behind me or anyone else except my girlfriend Vasit then it is a go, proque she's not the happy type, "if ya get me?" I aked my boyfriend why he loves me everyday? Today, he loves me so he put tomato's in the salad even thought he doesn't particularly like them...he make dinner for me and I got to his house late..it was still warm kept nice an anit-bactericidic -a- free as was humanly possible. (I think I made that work up but Sh#@ fire it is my blog and I am allowed to make mistake, and yep still a virgin father!)

I hope my nose doesn't start growing or the people I work with might think something is wrong with me (there is but they can't see it cause it is my mind), but my boyfriend really is so soooo good to me it would be a shame to not let people know...know how just very amazing I think he is... SUPER,..... We have debates about water... he swears they don't use bacteria to clean our drinking water (My argue ment that bottled water is not regulated by the FDA) Honey... you won because I could not prove my theory and I will let it die, it front of all the world... SWEARTHEART YOU WERE RIGHT AND I WAS WRONG..see my love issue layed to rest for ever utill you drink and then you might say you can pass the NCLEX and guess what I will believe you then too....that is how much I love you..

Directionally Challenged

It is no secrete to my friends and family that I am directionally challenged. I think it is mostly because I am always on the phone giving my nursing or loving advice. Some people have said that I am a "man hater"- but what every she hasn't had a boyfriend since college and she is 29...(I am not hating just hurt and trying to keep her from being hurt is that so wrong?) and well you know that I am deeply in love in love with my boyfriend...let's just not tell him okay... we all know I am not about feelings. Although after many beers and glasses of wine we have become more open. My life is so great I peeing gold...no not really clear yellow if you must know ...I do have to report that infomation on my patients at work. Wow that is so much information hu?

So, why is it so hard for me to drive to the same places all the time? I am not sure. Last night I missed the exit to my boyfriends house and I was late. Poor guy called me and said honey are you lost again?...I couldn't admit it at first...I mean really can he still love me even if I wake up in the night and grab pursearella naked and say that I am going to the pharmacy? He says honey your not at work...oh I lay back down, only to wake up again and ask him if he has any allergies.

I have lived in many different cities have driven all over the country, and still I get lost in my own town. I know it is all my mothers fault that has to be it. Isn't is always the mothers fault. So, everyone is getting me a GPS..I said make sure that it says "turn right or turn left" cause you know if it says go south or north I will never find where I am going.

Thanks family, friends and Engineer guy for putting put with my crazy ways I mean really all you have to be is pretty right?

Is it Possible to freeze Your Boyfriends Penis?

First of all, I would like to say that my life is like a trashy romance novel I can't help it that's just how it is. I don't know how I get my self into these kind of predicuments but we are talking about the darn girl AkA Maverick.

I mean where do I start? Saturday was girls night out, it started so innocently. I go to girlfriends house with a bottle of wine (that was just the beginning of the wine drinking swray) I was all glittered up in my bikini ready for a nice dip in the pool and dinner later that night. Well, we drank the bottle of wine decided to do dinner and call it a night...ahhh yeah...well we did dinner alright, with acouple of margaritas some shots of tequila (that was the waiters idea)...let's just say...Good thing girfriend's husband was not home cause then we decided to skinny dip again again...I mean really...When ever we drink wine our close just fall off...I think it is part of our rules...you know I have rules... porque I stayed the night...no worries I was still game for Sundays barbaque...I never left her house...

Sunday, I had to take one for the team it's party time. I pased myself this time cause I don't want my close to fall off in front of strangers. So, I buy this party pack of condoms for that night...(no we weren't going to use all 12 of them)I think I am being smooth...and exciting right? Engineer guy is playig X-Box with the boys, but I am spent and ready for bed, so I go tell him I am going to bed and ummmm he needs to follow me if you know what I mean. He pulls out the condoms, little did he know that the condoms he pulled out had benzolidocaine in them. (okay it did not freeze his peni but it is ment to desensitize it so one can last longer) DISCLAIMER:HE'S PERFECT NO NEED FOR THIS TYPE OF CONDOM. How was I suppost to know it was part of the party pack.. Hey there was even strawberry condoms in the pack for those days that your feeling fruity....tehhee Long story short, He never did get back to playing X-box, and and not only did I freeze his peni I apparently kicked his balls too. I don't remember that action so I am taking the 5th ...If Idon't remember it never happen.

Yep my life is a trasy romance novel what can I say??

Dragon Shoes

So it is recorded in history that Men are like light bulbs, when there light is on then they are ready for commitment. When there light is off they are just test driving all the Shiny New Cars they can possibly get their hands on.

My aunt got married in 1984 to my uncle "Chemical Guy". I was a junior Brides maid with hair feathers so perfectly you would have thought I was the lead singer in the band "Wham". I asked her one day." How do you know Chemical Guy is the one?" She told me when the light bulb is on... you will know. Well, I really didn't know what the HE## she was talking
about then porque I know now.

My aunt is still happily Married with three kids. I model myself after her, and the trusting, loving relationship that she has built with "Chemical Guy". She is the one that taught be about the rules. Rule #1 always sleep naked together (skinny dip with your girlfriends occationally), #2 never with hold sex from each other...and on and on.

The other night at dinner I thought I would test this theory out on Engineer Guy. I asked him if his light bulb was on or off? He looked at me with that look of "I don't know what the hell you are trying to say but I am sure I am going to find out." Then I gave him an out... an easy out, "Run like hell from me now and you might be saved from the curse, stay and your going to be with me forever" Still puzzled, he blinked his eye and stated, "girrrl I know your crazy and I for what ever reason I still love you" Alright I told him, porque I warned you.

I did reasure him that although I might not be the sharpest tool in the Garage I would alway be exciting, fatihful, honest and I always love him unconditionally. We talked about our child hood. I told how much fun my Aunt and Uncle had over the years. Everytime my Uncle "Chemical guy" goes out with the Boyz he wears his Dragon Shoes. "Dragon Shoes"? Yep, when he puts on his drangon shoes usually one of the guys end up dragon his arse home mostly by his shoes.

Orgasm While Driving the Other Day...

At the a@@ crack of dawn I was driving to work minding my own business as I do most days of the week when all of a sudden I had an orgasm...

I know right, It was a full fledge full on Orgasm!!!

So, you want to know what triggered this Sexually Chocolate experience while I was driving?

DEA..."Shit fire" came to my mind no really that is what I was thinking, and then of coarse came the sexual thoughts that triggered this Big O.

While, driving in the bad part of town there were DEA agents wearing their full gear, I am talking Full on black, Masks to hid their faces (I liked that part), Huge semi automatics (guys I know you like that part) Hemlets, body armor, and oh yeah they were in 2 LARGE tanks that kindof looked like hummers (no pun intended) .

The DEA must have been getting ready for a drug bust or they just knew that I was on my way to work that morning and needed a little stimuli...which ever the case it made for a great start that morning...

Thanks DEA, No really thanks!

Shit Fire...

1. Shit fire is my new word. I have been using it a lot and I am hopeful that it will catch on...so I can prove to myself that I am famous in my mind.

2. I have been up since the crack arse of dawn, and I have been reading various blogs. I have been inspired to be a follower this time and write more unknown facts about myself or known as long as it tortures all of my fellow bloggers I am good...

3. Sometimes I go on a liquid diet of wine, beer, sake or wine and beer and sake. I think that it kills all of the bacteria internally that I come home with from the hospital. I asked one of the Dr.s I work with about this theory he could not rule it out. So, I roll with it.

4. I am a medical information Nazi, okay maybe Nazi isn't the word to use here, but I make my family listen to all of my medical information. I can't help it I am obsessed, OBSESSED I tell you. I feel very sorry for my father since he has had to listen to this since I learned about the platapuss...heheh I like the word plataPUSS.

5. I went skinny dipping this past weekend with my girlfriend...it was part of the therapy to get over the fight with the boyfriend; I would suggest it to anyone in a love fight. We also had 2 bottles of wine, and way to many beers. I had a strep throat infection I was sure that the alcohol would kill the infection, but decided on antibotics and sex with my boyfriend wouldn't hurt either.

6. When I was taking microbiology I thought that I was asian for a while. I did not eat red meat, I started drinking green tea, and I got accupunture for a broken foot. I guess I had a hard time coming to grips with the fact that I had indeed broken my 3rd metatarsal. After micro, I could hardly eat chicken after I saw all the bacteria that I grew from my fellow classmates belly button. Not that her belly button bacteria had anything to do with chicken, I'm just saying I had a hard time with bacteria at the time, and I think I still do that is why I drink alcohol to internally cleans.

7. I think everyone should have a code name: mine is Maverick but don't go telling everyone or it can't be my code name anymore.

8. My child has chest hair and proudly anounced it to me the other day along with underarm hair. I cried, a mildstone passes again. Sheesh I am getting old, good thing I still think I am 25 in my mind.

9. I am not wearing any underware right now.

Finally 10. I secretely work for the CIA undercover as a ER nurse..shhhh Don't tell anyone.

My porno....

Not so tattered anymore...Honestly I had an afair with Brain Pitt, while I was watching the porno Troy. " Engineer Guy" is aware of this infraction and is okay with it just this one time...

I said, "I also had an afair with Brad when he was Tristian in "Legends of the Falls"" another porno that I watch frequently when I need a ego boost...I figure that if I could only get to Tristian and have sex with him (torid sex) that he would in fact be okay after the death of his brother...

"Engineer Guy" too the agreed that since I was so upset this week over our text fight that he could forgive me...

All is well again in Amy land. Honestly, I told on him..to his friends...It is like I am in 6th grade all over again. It worked I feel much better and they reminded him how special our relationship really is, but only after 2 bottles of wine and many many beers.(that was me drinking the wine and beers with my girlfriend) He was just drinking beers.

I do not hold on to things for long. I have forgiven him and I am through wondering if he is telling me the truth...I am taking my own advise and just letting it go. After all he really is a good man I know that in my heart, and sometimes he just doesn't understand that not only am I famous in my mind but that I am a medical detective and can spot a pimple a mile away.

I am no longer upset, I have a strep throat infection, the Dr. I worked with today was kind enough to write me a prescription for z-pack and I went home earily from work...The Dr. also told me that I should have torid sex with "Engineer guy" cause that will really cure my sore throat...and that is what I did..."Engineer Guy
made a wonderful dinner for me tonight and I took advantage of him sexually chocolate...I'm feeling better already...Hey I am just following Dr. orders....

Tattered

Still a little tattered..What can I say I know that all relationships go thought trials and tribulations...

The thing that really get's me is that everything seemed so perfect, for once in my life I thought that I really found that guy that was almost perfect, except for the gas of coarse.

The thing is I am not really a person that feels/ I like to just live my life with love and friendship brushing things under the rug. Just pretent that certain things never really happen. That is how it has been really all of my life, but this guy I really thought everything was real...and now I am second guessing everything....

I went dancing last night and I had a really good time...

I will hang in there....keep you updated untill then I must drink many many beers...

Okay it is not war anymore but I am going to keep this one short

Boyfriend got into town on Sunday.,..we had a talk...I cried for the first time in front of him..we have been together for almost a year...

I never cry...ever...my heart is usually cut off from my brain, but I think it was lack of internet access that really brought out the tears...

No worries...I did not die...but I think my cardiac enzymes might be elevated (laymens terms heart attact) or maybe that was just one of my patients that I had today... I'm not sure I have been up for 24 hrs and I am to tired to argue with my Dr.. I told him I must be admitted imediately cause I think that I am dieing....

He said you are breathing right...right..then your just fine....so it must have been one of my patients...

Boyfriend and I are working out our problems...because I'm still alive and kicking...and because he confessed his undieing love for me...and I don't quit easy...althought I have been known to give up the sex easy when it comes to him...and then there are the rules of coarse...

After the act of intercoarse...don't you love that word...fornication...my cardiac enzyme were normal after all....

Thanks peeps for hanging in there!!! I promise to check out your blogs tommorrow...or else I might really have a heart attact due to lack of withdrawl,,,

It's War

For the last 2 weeks I have not had internet at my apartment.

OMG I thought I was going to die, dead...just die.

I mean really, how am I supposed to function if I can't blog my heart out to my peeps, and what are they to thinking of me?

Have they forgotten me? Am I just a distant memory...I can't take it...I swear, I swear!

Dead, I almost died. I called the "internet people" they did not understand my urgency...what a blog? I said this is life or death people you do not understand...I have a reputation to up-hold to tell all my dirty little secretes and gross stories that make most people throw-up. Somehow I don't think they thought it was an urgent.

I told them look I am famous, really famous maybe only in my mind but still famous!

What happen this week? I got in a terrible fight with my boyfriend over the text message of course. He is out of town and I can't bring myself to talk to him. I am not sure that I will be able to talk with him over the phone while he is gone. Today I ate two donuts, a donut whole to self medicate. It only worked for an hour...now my brain is in a fight with my body...and oh the heart is kind of tattered as well...more tomorrow...I have got to catch up on all my peeps!