For a while now...

For a while now I have been thinking about revealing my most embarrassing moment..
And now you might ask yourself why in the world would she want to do that? It is possible that I might have lost my mind, but I though what the hell why not...
But before I do I am going to need a little egging on...
So, please blogger friends tell me what your most embarrassing moment?
Okay I will give you a little hint...
It has something to do with the very first time I had sexual relations with Engineer Guy..
Ohhh how much he must really Love me...

Dave Mathews here I come...

Sorry I haven't been by in a couple of days but Engineer guy and I had friends in from Florida and then the marathon of drinking began...
We were getting ready for the Dave Mathew's Band on Saturday!
Hey I can't help it the boys are from West Virgina need I say more...
This weekend has been a blur of tons of food and drinks...
Sorry trainer...
I couldn't work out do to my commitments to the drink and partying that I am obligated to do when the friends from Florida are in town...
Let's just say that we all kept our clothes on but ummm couldn't understand a word the boys were saying due to the commencement to trying to out drink each other....
and then there was the game of oh...sing New Edition song to me...
or Janet Jackson if your nasty...
Hey all check out my friends music...
Shanemeade.com

You won't be sorry!!!

I must pass on this life saving information....

Studies show that having sex 200 times a year + with the same partner, that you are connected too has health benefits....
Sweet...I tell Engineer guy this very fact and that I expect him to live up to the challenge because he is inevitably in charge of saving my life....
Apparently the ability to connect to a human being is not only good for your physical health but your mental health as well...
I guess this is why chemistry is sooo important in picking relationships....
So, all of my blogger friends go home and molest the one that you love it could just save your life....

First things first...

1: Never take 3 tabs of colon cleaner...
I mean I have not been able to leave the house all day do to my commitment to the toilet if you know what I mean... and the clincher of it all is I worked at an endoclinic yesterday...You know where they stick the camera where the sun doesn't shine...
2. Okay so you know I said I was getting a trainer...what was I thinking...after the first time with the trainer my legs were so sore I could hardly walk...being how I am not a quitter I went back Saturday...OGMOSH...
Abs...what do I need abs for? really I mean I my stomach is already trained to be sucked in at all times...
So, now My abs are sore...my arse is on the toilet ever ten minutes and the rest of my body is not feeling so hot either...
What is wrong with me? I am only doing this because society says I have to be a size Zero...
Just kidding...I happen to need a break of my old ruin and I am being a big baby...usually I am not this much of a pussy but since Engineer guy doesn't feel sorry for me I have to get sympathy somewhere...is it working??

Yes, I stated the night at the fire station

Okay...this could only happen to me. I found myself driving to a hospital about an 1&1/2 hours away from my house. As fate would have it they wanted me to work 2 days in a row. Now how could I say No...This was a very small town where everyone knows everyone...Don't you love that. So, i thought well if I am going to work two days I better stay the night there so I don't have to drag my arse all the way home and then all the way back. One of the nurses husband was a fireman hens I found myself spending the night at the fire station. Now what does this say about me???
Now you know what they say about the LADIES that spend the night at the fire house...Don't ya just love the gosip...Now the RN stated make sure you keep this on the down low...AHhhh yeah she was telling everyone that I stayed at the fire house. How can you keep a secret in a town that has one high school...It never fails I am always trouble...trouble is my middle name. Hey I slept in the back room by myself.....with all the fire gear on is that wrong???

Dr. Oz on Oprah...

So I was watching Oprah, Dr. Oz stated that if you drink red wine that it turns on an anit-aging process. Well, let me tell you that is all I needed...
I am going to be young forever cause I believe in drinking the wine...
He also stated that Liver cod oil was good for you..
I am having a hard time with this only because when I was a young girl my Ma decided to lie to us and say that she was making fried chicken when really it was Liver in a battered surprise. Didn't she know that I was going to be a medical detective and I could never fall for that trick...
Ma I say just drink some wine, cause I can't take the liver cod oil....

Let's get a new mamma....

So, I have been watching one of thoughts shows that change "the mommy" for a week and then get 50.000 dollars...
I say to Engineer guy...Let's audition for the show so that we can get a new mommy for the week..
Coarse I didn't know who we would send to be the new mommy for the other people. Could we send the kid to be the new mommy? He is kind of spoiled and we never make him cook...So, I am not sure that will be a good idea. We can't send my mother because I'm not sure she that she can handle other people's children. She can hardly handle my sister's children and that is after she is pre-medicated. We can't send Engineer guy because he refuses to be the mommy for other people.
I ask him maybe we can send your mother what do you think? He says he doesn't think that she will go for it. So, I guess that we will not be auditioning for the show..Me I am not grown up enough to be on tv and be a mommy to other people's children...

Did I mention that...

Did I mention that I have a growth growing on the side of my neck...
It's not an abcess, but a pesky little pimple that never seems to go away..
I squished it this morning only to have little success of getting anything out of it and it is red and swollen...
Imagine that...I have used every pimple remover on the market but nothing seems to help...
I am left to only pretend that I do not see it in hopes that it will see that it no longer bothers me and goes away...

Did I mention that I have decided to get a personal trainer...
I hate working out, but know that it is something that I have to do because I am aware that gravity will take it's toll on my butt and promptly help it drag the ground. Plus what would Oprah think if if she ever met me and my butt was draggin the ground...and there is my reputation to think about... I am hoping that the trainer is really good looking so that I have something to look forward too when I work out...

Did I mention that my Uncle has dragon shoes that he wears when he does out..My Aunt calls it that because every time he goes out his friends drag him back into the house...

Is that so wrong??

I have often told my patients, I know this whole getting old thing is pretty unfair...
There's no instructions on how to get old...
But I say that when I get old I am going to have big blue or purplish-pink hair, wear blue eyeshadow with long fake eyelashes and pink pink lipstick...I am going to feel-up all young guys butts and then claim that I am old and I don't know what I am doing...maybe I'll even have a grandchild around to back-up my story...
Is that so wrong?

So, I have been reading this book...

I know your shocked that I actually read books...
I only really read when I am working out to distract my mind of the pain of the work out...
I have always read to zone out when working out. I hate to work out it is just apart of my life style if I want to keep my butt under control if you know what I mean...You know I have to keep my known T &A... reputation...
Well, the book is about " What my past relationships with women have taught me"... a fabulous Idea if you ask me....and then I begin to think about what I have taught the men that have dated me...
Oh how I feel for them...
You could say that when I was younger I wasn't exactly the nicest girl out there...
I got married very young because I thought you couldn't get out of Arkansas if you didn't get married and have a child. I quickly decided after I had my child that I didn't really like the married life due to the limitation that it imposed on me. So, I left and started busting my arse to get though college and have a life of my own that I could be proud of. I did happen to date one guy 5 yrs younger than me after my divorce. 5 yrs later I know I must have messed him up somehow although we are still friends and I have limited contact with him due to my loyaly to Engineer guy.
So, after reading the book I felt a little guilty but then I thought it is all about the learning process. I had to go though all of what I did in order to be where I am today.
So, tell me what you have taught the men in your life or tell me what the women have taught you in your life...

cramps...are the pits....

If I have cramps I must tell everyone and let them be as miserable as I am..WTF?
While I was working today minding my own business caring for patients telling them about my uncle that married his step sister (Arkansas is all I can say) when she was 15 and he was 20yr. My lower quadrant bilaterally decided to turn against me and cause me pain. How dare my body decide to cause me pain when I am clearly trying to save lives...I mean really. What kind of shitniz it that? I think I am going to go on strike against my lower quadrant. Can you do that? And and I have been in the pisser about 20 million times daily. I mean I am a water drinker and all but this is just ridiculous. So my medical mind goes wild and thinks about all the things that could be wrong with me...Diabetes insipitus (I just might die) ...My ovaries seem to be mad at me..I have been giving the vag plenty of loving from Engineer guy so I can't imagine why they are turning against me... Engineer guy handles business almost every night...Is that normal? The vag seems to be happy, she never complains and really tells me that she enjoys hanging with Engineer guy peni... so what is the deal??? Oh that Eve....why why did you have to eat the apple???

I think you can die from bordom...

I know that I shouldn't complain about staying home and having free time to do what ever I please but I can't seem to get the bordom out of me....

I have gone out with friends...

Okay that is another story all together..

What is it with rich drunk people that get on your nerves...

Okay so my nails aren't manicured...I freakin work in an ER my hands arn't that perddy because I wear gloves all day and wash them 20 million times to cut down on infection transmission..shoot me why don't ya.

In attempts to amuse myself I have given myself a facial...okay not really I did put on a mask to tone my face. I have talked to my son several times today but he is only interested in watching disney TV the nerve of him. It is like I am not cool to hang out with why I can't imagine why any 13yr. boy wouldn't like to hang out with his mother.

I'm Bored

Sheesh...Summer time in the desert is not very busy for registry nurses hence I have been home all week on the couch watching ever FBI file show imaginable, every investigative show on finding murderers, robbers and rapists; Still bored. This usually entertains me and gives me hours of nonstop techniques just in case I ever want to go undercover as as an FBI agent or maybe even a CIA agent.(totally possible) Not to mention the fact that something is wrong with my computer and I am convinced B@#$ B&^ is keeping my computer and down loading all the naked pictures of myself that I have collected over the years...(only pure art people I swear) and father that is just a joke okay.
What can I do with myself? What to do I think as I twiddle my thumbs? The kid is like a never ending eating machine and I can only cook and clean so much before I start to lose my mind. I have a secrete to tell all of you...I know I know...If I don't work on a regular basis I start to get anxiety, like I will not have enough money to feed the kid or pay my bills. This has been a life long problem for me due to the fact that I grew up poor, and I might just have a slight case of neurosis, but I know that you all can keep a secrete.
So, I have only been able to access the Internet when "Engineer guy" get home were I trample him and jump on his laptop. It is like I am shut off to the world. I can't stand it and to make matters worse the company fixing my computer is going to take another several days to fix and then I must find the back up disks to get all the windows stuff...Oh like I really know where thoughts are. What kind of woman do they think I am...I am not a filer of important information. I never expected my computer to turn against me in the first place and I surly can't figure out how to put all that stuff back on it. I am scratching my head asking them why they didn't back up that information don't they know that I am computer illiterate. The very reason I took the computer to the Geek squad in the first place...Ain't they supposed to have all the answers, how dare they.
So, now I am bored awaiting Engineer guy to get home so I can pump him with questions about he work day. Another thing you might not know about me is that I have a rule that when I am off from work I can't leave the house until after 2:oopm. It is blazing hot here 115 degrees I am trying to fight the aging process here so I don't want to expose my already tan skin to more UVB rays. I am left with not thing to do but torture the kid...."Your lips are dry you need to drink more water" " kid I need to read random stuff from the book"Why do Men have Nipples" in order to school him why people urine smells when they eat asparagus. This only entertains me for about a half an hour when i find out that he is really interested in belly button lint.
Thankfully I am meeting some co-workers out tonight for dinner to discuss my changing of Careers. Wish me luck and please hope that I work tomorrow before the kid and Engineer guy put me out of the house.

Random &#!+ from my couch...

Not much going on this week except for talking with my girlfriend several times a day on the phone and sitting, laying on the couch.
I think that you can exercise from the couch if you have wieghts...I am testing that theory, so far it hasen't worked but I am hopeful....
It is true I have been in a funk this week due to my recent events however I am not going to let the haters win...I refuse. So, while sitting on the couch today I flashed my boobs to the construction workers behind my house. They actually gave me a 10 for style and a 10 for size...
Well, you know what I wanted to do with that information...I wanted to take a picture of the hard working construction workers and send it to the haters at work...
Thanks for your support blog BFF's

Changing my life cause I can't change me...

I hate growing pains...
I mean when I was pregnant with the kid there were all kinds of growing pains. First of all my once flat tummybegan to enlarged with strech marks deeper than the grand canyon, it was like having an alien inside me for 10 months...again my body has changed forever...but I am sure that I would due it again in a heartbeat just to have that darn kid.
I have been thinking about re-eventing myself like Madonna has so many times in the past years. Can I leave nursing all together? I think I can if I can't get away with the pettiness of the hospital nurses.
Does anyone have any suggestions...
I thought about being a stripper but I am really to old for that...
I thought about being an accountant, but I can't do math very well...
I thought about being Mike Roug in "Dirty jobs" but I can't deal with all the crazy crap he has to do I am not good at manual labor...
I thought about becoming a truck driver so that I could cuss on a regular basis and no one would even back an eye...
I thought I could be a professsional wine taster but I don't think they pay your for that...I think you have to pay the wine people...
I know that I would be good at any job that I required me to sit on the couch..
I thought about writting a book but that takes time and knowing me I would try to write on the couch and watch TV at the same time. Procrastination at its best.

Dealing with the not so nice people of the world...

Several months ago I went to work where I promptly heard that the night charge nurse called me T & A...( I hear that that means titties and ass) how dare her say such a thing about me behind my back, but not to my face...By the way they all call her the Beast behind her back... but I only said you have nice titties too...sheesh..
Now while I find this mostly a compliment...I happened to go to a Christian college and I have a BSN and I feel like my job is a unprofessional professional job...
What is a girl to do...If I know too much and I have big boobs apparently the some nurses are offended...
How can that be?
My main concern are the patients that I take care of and trying to facilitate a team environment... and where has that got me...just down to the T & A????
You see there are a shortage of nurses not because nursing is hard but because nurses that really care about their patients and tend to be there advocate are made examples of...harsh words to be said about a nurse that really cares and that also might work out on a regular basis and might not smoke due to her very duty of living life as they preach...
While I might not be upset of my best girlfriends use my boobs as party favors I would like it if my professional life didn't include a description of my boobs...they are big they can't be hidden I have even bought scrubs that are like 2 times bigger for me so that my boobs don't take over the show...
Women why do you have to be so mean...I'm such a loving person...I know that my blog friend women are nothing like the women that I work with but I am rethinking my job as a nurse....how can this be????

My idea of a vacation...

I am on my way home from a 3day vacation..
Most people's idea of a vacation would not require their butt to be in a saddle for 3 hours a day and having a really biggg horse between their legs..but that is just me..
I am leaving the country and I was so sad to leave this morning sure I was in potato land..idaho..in moreman land Utah...
But I was free, with the wind blowing through my hair..
The horse flies large as bats biting at my horse and at my neck...Damn blood suckers.
I can barely walk without a deep soreness in my haunches.
I am happy sore or not..
and you should have seen my kid on the horses...he was the shiznizil

I'm not dead I swear..

Sorry about being MIA...
Engineer guys family is in town and I have been working like a mad woman...
I started a blog the other day that entitled Life with out AMie...but then thought that I might sound as if I am famous in my own mind which of coarse all of you that know me is aware of this very image that I have of myself...of coarse with out all the money and I have to admit most famous people do not have their fingers in places where the sun doesn't shine..AkA vagignas...old balls...
If fact I was talking to Rob RN about his family as we often like to discus all of their wonderfully crazy behavior and wondered why most families were not like ours...
Rob's family are great loving people but his father often like to torture the famly by arriving in the living room in a wife beater and underware that has long left the stages normal wear and tear...some would even call them dead...So he tells me the otyher day his brother went to visit the family and his father appeared in the living room in all his splender with his balls haning out...
No one even blinked an eye ; apparently this is normal behavior for his...then we were discussing if he had long blall hair hanging out too...( I know this is how I amuse myself) He said, Amie his ball hair has long left him like the hair on top of his head...and then it came to me...
Do men lose ball hair like they lose hair on their head...
At least he didn't have to go through the stages of pub hair turning grey...
I think most men these days just shave their balls or is that jsut my family where by my sister tells me how she shaves her husbands ball hair in the shower...
And you wonder what is wrong with me....
I am on my way to the land of the dead...but I will catch up tonight on everyone...
I miss you all...

Chronicals of love...

Still not sure what is going on at my house...
First things first:

Usually I like to talk about the little things that make me laugh in life...
Like the time I got shat on at 6 in the morning by a patient and the male nurse helping me got poo on his forehead. After all isn't life supposed to be about the little things that bring us happiness? Like this blog I started it after I broke up with Paramedic Guy...Ohhh paramedic guy...You know that it is bad when you are talking to one of the nurses that you work with and simultaneously you say, " I bet my fire medic story is better than yours". Then, I was still in nursing school a little naive and didn't know that the firefighters like to shall we say spread the lovein. These days when fire brings us patients we stick to the basics, we give them $#!+, take report and them boot em out.

So Engineer guy and I went shopping this weekend for a new couch and a bed and dresser for me. We had fun looking at at all the different couches and beds. I have moved into his house as you know but I'm not sure it was really what he wanted. I'm not sure how relationships are supposed to go. But he reminded me that at the end of the summer he is going to move into the bedroom that I have all of my stuff in maybe a hint that I need to find my own place. My mind is De boggled. I am not sure how a relationship continues on after you live with someone and then move out. It seems weird to me. It is like he plans his future without me being in it... right in front of me. I know that when he was talking to me about his plans for the future of his place he didn't mean to hurt my feelings but it makes me wonder what am I doing. I hate living in lingo out of boxes and my heart is heavy. I'm not sure that I will ever get this love thing right.

Legend...Ohhh Trisian Just come home...

I think there should be a sport called laying on the couch and watching TV. I am notoriously known for eating, drinking, showering and even having sexual relations whilst parked front and center on the couch. When Engineer guy goes out of town I become even more competitive with myself...pushing the limits to what can be done whilst my butt is on the couch. Why I have even shaved my feet on the couch. No worries I let the dead skin fall to the ground and then I promptly vacuumed them up...still on the couch.

I know some of you might think that this whole sporting event (that I have made up in my mind) might seem sloth-like but I assure you that I am not lazy; I prefer to call it procrastinationalistic at its best. I think I might have even won an award for procrastination, but as rumor might have it ...I didn't attend the ceremonies due in largely by my need to lay on the couch.

Where do you ask did I learn such techniques? Of coarse from the master herself...Ma. She never needed to leave the couch because she tortured Me into doing all the chores that she refused to do from the couch. At least I have some kind of drive... at least I vacuum. I actually believe procrastination is a X dominate trait passed down from generations to generations. My sister it seems too is also inflicted with this trait; however she has 4 kiddos to do all her errands, grocery shopping, cooking and cleaning. Those kids I tell you what they are efficient. The last time I went to her house I was told by the MP that I could not drive on base ...so my middle niece at 5 yrs old had to drive me around...

So, whilst Engineer guy is out of town next week I will be permanently parked front and center on the couch. I'll pull out my porno Legend of the falls...and say out loud...Ohhhh Tristan come back to me I know I can heal your broken heart. Man I love that move...