Directionally Challenged

It is no secrete to my friends and family that I am directionally challenged. I think it is mostly because I am always on the phone giving my nursing or loving advice. Some people have said that I am a "man hater"- but what every she hasn't had a boyfriend since college and she is 29...(I am not hating just hurt and trying to keep her from being hurt is that so wrong?) and well you know that I am deeply in love in love with my boyfriend...let's just not tell him okay... we all know I am not about feelings. Although after many beers and glasses of wine we have become more open. My life is so great I peeing gold...no not really clear yellow if you must know ...I do have to report that infomation on my patients at work. Wow that is so much information hu?

So, why is it so hard for me to drive to the same places all the time? I am not sure. Last night I missed the exit to my boyfriends house and I was late. Poor guy called me and said honey are you lost again?...I couldn't admit it at first...I mean really can he still love me even if I wake up in the night and grab pursearella naked and say that I am going to the pharmacy? He says honey your not at work...oh I lay back down, only to wake up again and ask him if he has any allergies.

I have lived in many different cities have driven all over the country, and still I get lost in my own town. I know it is all my mothers fault that has to be it. Isn't is always the mothers fault. So, everyone is getting me a GPS..I said make sure that it says "turn right or turn left" cause you know if it says go south or north I will never find where I am going.

Thanks family, friends and Engineer guy for putting put with my crazy ways I mean really all you have to be is pretty right?

Is it Possible to freeze Your Boyfriends Penis?

First of all, I would like to say that my life is like a trashy romance novel I can't help it that's just how it is. I don't know how I get my self into these kind of predicuments but we are talking about the darn girl AkA Maverick.

I mean where do I start? Saturday was girls night out, it started so innocently. I go to girlfriends house with a bottle of wine (that was just the beginning of the wine drinking swray) I was all glittered up in my bikini ready for a nice dip in the pool and dinner later that night. Well, we drank the bottle of wine decided to do dinner and call it a night...ahhh yeah...well we did dinner alright, with acouple of margaritas some shots of tequila (that was the waiters idea)...let's just say...Good thing girfriend's husband was not home cause then we decided to skinny dip again again...I mean really...When ever we drink wine our close just fall off...I think it is part of our rules...you know I have rules... porque I stayed the night...no worries I was still game for Sundays barbaque...I never left her house...

Sunday, I had to take one for the team it's party time. I pased myself this time cause I don't want my close to fall off in front of strangers. So, I buy this party pack of condoms for that night...(no we weren't going to use all 12 of them)I think I am being smooth...and exciting right? Engineer guy is playig X-Box with the boys, but I am spent and ready for bed, so I go tell him I am going to bed and ummmm he needs to follow me if you know what I mean. He pulls out the condoms, little did he know that the condoms he pulled out had benzolidocaine in them. (okay it did not freeze his peni but it is ment to desensitize it so one can last longer) DISCLAIMER:HE'S PERFECT NO NEED FOR THIS TYPE OF CONDOM. How was I suppost to know it was part of the party pack.. Hey there was even strawberry condoms in the pack for those days that your feeling fruity....tehhee Long story short, He never did get back to playing X-box, and and not only did I freeze his peni I apparently kicked his balls too. I don't remember that action so I am taking the 5th ...If Idon't remember it never happen.

Yep my life is a trasy romance novel what can I say??

Dragon Shoes

So it is recorded in history that Men are like light bulbs, when there light is on then they are ready for commitment. When there light is off they are just test driving all the Shiny New Cars they can possibly get their hands on.

My aunt got married in 1984 to my uncle "Chemical Guy". I was a junior Brides maid with hair feathers so perfectly you would have thought I was the lead singer in the band "Wham". I asked her one day." How do you know Chemical Guy is the one?" She told me when the light bulb is on... you will know. Well, I really didn't know what the HE## she was talking
about then porque I know now.

My aunt is still happily Married with three kids. I model myself after her, and the trusting, loving relationship that she has built with "Chemical Guy". She is the one that taught be about the rules. Rule #1 always sleep naked together (skinny dip with your girlfriends occationally), #2 never with hold sex from each other...and on and on.

The other night at dinner I thought I would test this theory out on Engineer Guy. I asked him if his light bulb was on or off? He looked at me with that look of "I don't know what the hell you are trying to say but I am sure I am going to find out." Then I gave him an out... an easy out, "Run like hell from me now and you might be saved from the curse, stay and your going to be with me forever" Still puzzled, he blinked his eye and stated, "girrrl I know your crazy and I for what ever reason I still love you" Alright I told him, porque I warned you.

I did reasure him that although I might not be the sharpest tool in the Garage I would alway be exciting, fatihful, honest and I always love him unconditionally. We talked about our child hood. I told how much fun my Aunt and Uncle had over the years. Everytime my Uncle "Chemical guy" goes out with the Boyz he wears his Dragon Shoes. "Dragon Shoes"? Yep, when he puts on his drangon shoes usually one of the guys end up dragon his arse home mostly by his shoes.

Orgasm While Driving the Other Day...

At the a@@ crack of dawn I was driving to work minding my own business as I do most days of the week when all of a sudden I had an orgasm...

I know right, It was a full fledge full on Orgasm!!!

So, you want to know what triggered this Sexually Chocolate experience while I was driving?

DEA..."Shit fire" came to my mind no really that is what I was thinking, and then of coarse came the sexual thoughts that triggered this Big O.

While, driving in the bad part of town there were DEA agents wearing their full gear, I am talking Full on black, Masks to hid their faces (I liked that part), Huge semi automatics (guys I know you like that part) Hemlets, body armor, and oh yeah they were in 2 LARGE tanks that kindof looked like hummers (no pun intended) .

The DEA must have been getting ready for a drug bust or they just knew that I was on my way to work that morning and needed a little stimuli...which ever the case it made for a great start that morning...

Thanks DEA, No really thanks!

Shit Fire...

1. Shit fire is my new word. I have been using it a lot and I am hopeful that it will catch on...so I can prove to myself that I am famous in my mind.

2. I have been up since the crack arse of dawn, and I have been reading various blogs. I have been inspired to be a follower this time and write more unknown facts about myself or known as long as it tortures all of my fellow bloggers I am good...

3. Sometimes I go on a liquid diet of wine, beer, sake or wine and beer and sake. I think that it kills all of the bacteria internally that I come home with from the hospital. I asked one of the Dr.s I work with about this theory he could not rule it out. So, I roll with it.

4. I am a medical information Nazi, okay maybe Nazi isn't the word to use here, but I make my family listen to all of my medical information. I can't help it I am obsessed, OBSESSED I tell you. I feel very sorry for my father since he has had to listen to this since I learned about the platapuss...heheh I like the word plataPUSS.

5. I went skinny dipping this past weekend with my girlfriend...it was part of the therapy to get over the fight with the boyfriend; I would suggest it to anyone in a love fight. We also had 2 bottles of wine, and way to many beers. I had a strep throat infection I was sure that the alcohol would kill the infection, but decided on antibotics and sex with my boyfriend wouldn't hurt either.

6. When I was taking microbiology I thought that I was asian for a while. I did not eat red meat, I started drinking green tea, and I got accupunture for a broken foot. I guess I had a hard time coming to grips with the fact that I had indeed broken my 3rd metatarsal. After micro, I could hardly eat chicken after I saw all the bacteria that I grew from my fellow classmates belly button. Not that her belly button bacteria had anything to do with chicken, I'm just saying I had a hard time with bacteria at the time, and I think I still do that is why I drink alcohol to internally cleans.

7. I think everyone should have a code name: mine is Maverick but don't go telling everyone or it can't be my code name anymore.

8. My child has chest hair and proudly anounced it to me the other day along with underarm hair. I cried, a mildstone passes again. Sheesh I am getting old, good thing I still think I am 25 in my mind.

9. I am not wearing any underware right now.

Finally 10. I secretely work for the CIA undercover as a ER nurse..shhhh Don't tell anyone.

My porno....

Not so tattered anymore...Honestly I had an afair with Brain Pitt, while I was watching the porno Troy. " Engineer Guy" is aware of this infraction and is okay with it just this one time...

I said, "I also had an afair with Brad when he was Tristian in "Legends of the Falls"" another porno that I watch frequently when I need a ego boost...I figure that if I could only get to Tristian and have sex with him (torid sex) that he would in fact be okay after the death of his brother...

"Engineer Guy" too the agreed that since I was so upset this week over our text fight that he could forgive me...

All is well again in Amy land. Honestly, I told on him..to his friends...It is like I am in 6th grade all over again. It worked I feel much better and they reminded him how special our relationship really is, but only after 2 bottles of wine and many many beers.(that was me drinking the wine and beers with my girlfriend) He was just drinking beers.

I do not hold on to things for long. I have forgiven him and I am through wondering if he is telling me the truth...I am taking my own advise and just letting it go. After all he really is a good man I know that in my heart, and sometimes he just doesn't understand that not only am I famous in my mind but that I am a medical detective and can spot a pimple a mile away.

I am no longer upset, I have a strep throat infection, the Dr. I worked with today was kind enough to write me a prescription for z-pack and I went home earily from work...The Dr. also told me that I should have torid sex with "Engineer guy" cause that will really cure my sore throat...and that is what I did..."Engineer Guy
made a wonderful dinner for me tonight and I took advantage of him sexually chocolate...I'm feeling better already...Hey I am just following Dr. orders....

Tattered

Still a little tattered..What can I say I know that all relationships go thought trials and tribulations...

The thing that really get's me is that everything seemed so perfect, for once in my life I thought that I really found that guy that was almost perfect, except for the gas of coarse.

The thing is I am not really a person that feels/ I like to just live my life with love and friendship brushing things under the rug. Just pretent that certain things never really happen. That is how it has been really all of my life, but this guy I really thought everything was real...and now I am second guessing everything....

I went dancing last night and I had a really good time...

I will hang in there....keep you updated untill then I must drink many many beers...

Okay it is not war anymore but I am going to keep this one short

Boyfriend got into town on Sunday.,..we had a talk...I cried for the first time in front of him..we have been together for almost a year...

I never cry...ever...my heart is usually cut off from my brain, but I think it was lack of internet access that really brought out the tears...

No worries...I did not die...but I think my cardiac enzymes might be elevated (laymens terms heart attact) or maybe that was just one of my patients that I had today... I'm not sure I have been up for 24 hrs and I am to tired to argue with my Dr.. I told him I must be admitted imediately cause I think that I am dieing....

He said you are breathing right...right..then your just fine....so it must have been one of my patients...

Boyfriend and I are working out our problems...because I'm still alive and kicking...and because he confessed his undieing love for me...and I don't quit easy...althought I have been known to give up the sex easy when it comes to him...and then there are the rules of coarse...

After the act of intercoarse...don't you love that word...fornication...my cardiac enzyme were normal after all....

Thanks peeps for hanging in there!!! I promise to check out your blogs tommorrow...or else I might really have a heart attact due to lack of withdrawl,,,

It's War

For the last 2 weeks I have not had internet at my apartment.

OMG I thought I was going to die, dead...just die.

I mean really, how am I supposed to function if I can't blog my heart out to my peeps, and what are they to thinking of me?

Have they forgotten me? Am I just a distant memory...I can't take it...I swear, I swear!

Dead, I almost died. I called the "internet people" they did not understand my urgency...what a blog? I said this is life or death people you do not understand...I have a reputation to up-hold to tell all my dirty little secretes and gross stories that make most people throw-up. Somehow I don't think they thought it was an urgent.

I told them look I am famous, really famous maybe only in my mind but still famous!

What happen this week? I got in a terrible fight with my boyfriend over the text message of course. He is out of town and I can't bring myself to talk to him. I am not sure that I will be able to talk with him over the phone while he is gone. Today I ate two donuts, a donut whole to self medicate. It only worked for an hour...now my brain is in a fight with my body...and oh the heart is kind of tattered as well...more tomorrow...I have got to catch up on all my peeps!