Tuesday, March 06, 2007

This Hurts I Swear...I Swear...

Recently my girlfriend has ventured out into the single world. I wish I could say that I was envious of this endeavor; however I am so blissfully happy in couple Dom that the endless amount of different hook-ups, different sized peni and random dry humping (apparently one have an orgasm this way) doesn't appeal in any way, shape, size (tehee) or form.

It is a good thing, however that I can help point my girlfriend in the right direction because because I always can talk about feelings with this friend. I sometimes tell myself that I am a relationship expert. I do, I know only for other people of coarse because we all know that when it comes to my relationship I can only fight via e-mail and I can never never let my boyfriend know how I feel. I'm sure if I told him how I really felt it might kill kill kill me dead; I might die. I expect him to read my mind instead. What? What's wrong with that? He is really starting to get the hang of it; good job "Engineer guy". I might be kind of delusional when I think about being a relationship expert, but work with me people. I am a trained professional (I laugh professional) ohhh if only they knew.

Any who, back to my girlfriend. I have to say fellow bloggers this is pretty painful to report, but my friends, family and poor boyfriend know that they are subject to being blogged about at anytime or situation; it is part of my charm. I keep telling my boyfriend he is famous in blog land and I am sure that he is almost falling for it. (well after that last blog and all) Score!

My Girlfriend has been texting me, calling me, reporting to me every EVERY detail of her now infamous 2-day relationship with the new guy. What can I say it has been a week of scandal?

Girlfriend: After our last make-out session you all know, where ummmm he gave me an A+ for my wax job. He has not called me. Do you think after 2 dates I went a little too far? Is this that double standard thing again?

Me: Well, you did have an orgasm dry humping; I wouldn't call it a total failure just yet. Isn't there like a 2-day rule when he is not suppose to call?

Girlfriend: I hate that rule. I am really just used to them stalking my every move and spending every free moment trying to spend time with me. You know hundreds of texts, frequent calls and many e-mail.

Me: This makes my brain hurt. So, really that didn’t work for you in the past. Why not? You know come up for air every-now-and-then. Step out of the box...see your friends...Me Me Me

I get the dreaded call yesterday...this part kills me.

Girlfriend says: I know why he didn't call back. He sent me an e-mail.

Me: Oh no not the death my e-mail?

Girlfriend: Yes, he says that I had really bad breath both times he made out with me for like 8 hrs, he suggested that I floss more.

Me: No way...well let's just say it didn't stop him from getting fresh with you. tehee fresh...

Girlfriend: Yeah I made an appointment with the dentist. I am soo embarrassed.

Me: "thinking" (okay this is a really bad excuse. He just wasn't into her and worse he was mean about it). What could I say?...for once I was a loss for words. I said, well your beautiful I never have smelled bad breath on you (this girl really takes care of herself I had a hard time believing this). Of coarse I never made out with her, but still I thought this was kind of cruel. I said, keep me informed I am here for you.

Girlfriend: I'm okay I'm not sure if I want to see him again, I really liked him.

Me: Scquez me? Are you kidding me? What is wrong with her? Painful...just painful.

So, I did what any girl in my position would do I called boyfriend and ask him if I have bad breath?

Engineer guy says: "Honey your breath is always horrible, but the sex is too good not to call you."

This from a man that loves me for my scallops. Yep, he definitely loves me.... its sooo obvious.


mist1 said...

I've been trying to tell people to floss. Never underestimate the floss.

Kevin said...

Don't knock dry humping. That CAN be totally hot!

Sornie said...

Yea, lay off the ragging on the dry humping!

mollymcmo said...

ok i'm mad at that dude.

what a mean way to say i'm not into you.

what a fucker.


Beth said...

Ya, it IS so obvious!!! He knows how lucky he is!

bad breath can kill ya....

Just telling it like it is said...

Mist1: I was flossing as we were talking on the phone.

Kevin: I promise I am going to try the dry hump.

Sornie: Sorry

Molly: I know what a fucker...I said the F word yeah!!

Beth: I know he is soooo lucky..

Let's Pretend said...

He's a jackass and she should dump him quickly. What a man thing to say.

Christina_the_wench said...

Jerk. Let's lynch his ass with dental floss.

Jayme said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Just telling it like it is said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jayme said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Superstar said...

Tell your GF
1. "he is just not that ino you"

2. He is obviously a LDMF (see my blg for transltion)
3. NO ONE breaks it off via e-mail...and if he doesn't have the BALLS to at least call...F him and move on!
4. Did he once think to OFFER the poor gal a stick of gum, mint or a tic tac??? Probably not!
5. She deserves someone that will be ALL ABOUT HER!!!

Say it with me..

OH and I WUV you but, please don't brag to her about how dreamy *yawn* happy you and Engineer guy are...If it were me I'd want to throw up in my mouth...Yep I just did...
Damn it
~shakes fists~

Just telling it like it is said...

No worries super...I am not that kind of girlfriend. She is someone that I love so I listen to her endlessly.

briliantdonkey said...

wow by email? That is pretty damned low. As for the breath thing, hmmmmmm at least he is honest about it if that was really the case. I would want someone to tell me if I had bad breath, but by email?