Jenny and Me are practically twins hu?

I didn’t think I could top that last picture so I thought I would post a pick of myself in all my lushness glory. Oh I tried to photo shop this picture. No luck I still look like I have been drinking... Maybe the drink in my hand gives you a slight hint I have been drinking (darn caught in the act) and I'm a little glazed over, shiny and well let's face it everyone knows I am a lush...It could be worse...I could got to eBay looking for make-up in the health and beauty section...only to find a Something-about -something-re-foreskin-something-or other restorer gadget. It was a contraptional devise that I never knew existed. Again I can't get away from the peni stories I guess I am on a role. Squeeze me...I thought men were all for no foreskin...turns out I guess some Men want it back...How weird is that?..stay posted I will be posting a picture it's just so wrong not too...

This is the kind of sh@# my sister sends me...

Seriously, something is wrong with my family. My sister sent this pic to me this morning and wished me a happy 4th...and you wonder what is wrong with me?

Speaking of peni, you know I can't help myself it is the nature of the beast. Since my life is like a trashy romance novel my family, boyfriend and friends know that everything that happens in our lives is subject to be written down in a blog for the sake of history...so that it can be recorded in time...

So, yesterday I send Engineer guy a text. I'm thinking that I am being clever, mixing it up some...being somewhat exciting. I text, "hey sexy how about a meeting at your house tonight with my clothes off". He calls me when leaving work.. Engineer guy " Darn girl are you sending me naughty texts while I am work, I kind of didn't understand what you ment"...WTF? Call me crazy...but I thought I was beeing perfectly clear...
Ummm...Engineer guy let me just say it bluntly (ohhh so takes the funn out of it doesn't it). On your way home from the bar call me and then I am going to sneak into the house and take advantage of you...get it. Engineer guy, " Ohhh yeah I get it" Sheesh what does a girl got to do around here to get some action????

Happy 4th of July all...

Happy 4th of July...
I am celebrating this glorious occasion just like every other born and bread american girl would...with lots of beer, BBQ and fire works! Let the celebration begin....and let there be plenty of beer.
It has been brought to my attention that half the year is gone already...sheesh what a happy thought right?...what have I accomplished over these past months...

1. One of the most memorial moments of the past year was when I froze my boyfriends penis. Ahhhh the happy moments in my life.

2. I quit my low paying job, where I was over worked and under appreciated to working all over the valley in ERs...and making a lot more.

3. I unsuccessfully fought with my boyfriend over e-mail several times, but have figured out a way to finally open up and talk with him like a normal adult, well most of the time anyway.

4. In January We said our first I love yous after roughly six months of dating...

5. I managed to get hit from behind by a scooby doo van that pleeled out and ran away...my back end is still jacked and there is no sign that I will be fixing it anytime soon.

6. I have come to grips that I am directionally challenged, and I am thankful that Engineer guy is always willing to give me directions that I can understand.

7. I went to florida with my boyfriend it was our first get away and ohhh so much fun!!: I thought I would re-post this cause I thought it was kinda cut enjoy all.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Country Girl Code

The Code:
Code name Maverick (we will get into that later) Just imagine the song "Take my breath away" playing ever so delicately... distant in backround (the fan blowing my hair just so) and me writing this in my cowboy boots and nothing else.

Rules:

Rule #1. Drink Beer

Rule#2. Drink a lot of Beer

Rule #3. Find a country boy from West Virgina and Drink Beer

Rule #4. Fly to Florida to See your Man's home boy play Live, be astonished at talent of the Band and Drink a shit loads of beer.

Golden Rule: Shanemeade.com (you guys really got to check this shit out)

Rule #5. Become a West Virgina fan by default (your man 's from there you have no choice)
OMG did he say I didn' t have a choice...I love it when he says that the more beer I drink...

Rule #6. Get pneumonia before flying to Flordia to see your man's home boy play live and still drink a ton of beer and party till like 4:00 am...

Rule # 7: Go through alcohol withdrawl the day you fly back to the desert and decide yep you definately need another beer...

Yep it has definatley been a great half of year!!!

Hohummm....

I am still suffering from writters block I write something and then erase it. OMGosh I wonder if picked up something from the hospital that was some kind of unknown bacteria or protozoa and it is starting to eat away at my brain. I scanned my medical dictonary but did not find anything to explain the writters block. Heck I could not even amuse myself by looking at all the gross pictures..that usually reminds me of something funny and then I get inspirted...Nope nothing. I have so many inappropriate subjects to offer up in a cleverly written story, but nahhhh I got nothing. Please for gosh sakes someone help me...I mean I have no new penis stories to talk about or abcess testicals to report about...I have no new anal leakage stories. I haven't been skinny dipping in a while...I guess I have just really been bored lately. While I usually have an interesting story to tell about work...I really haven't been in a couple of weeks...my boyfriend is sweet as always and no one wants to hear about how great he is all the time...I worked out yesterday...the kid and I cooked out...watched movies and went to bed. Bored..Not that he is boring he is great...someone send me something so I don't die of bordom..die dead!

Anal leakage...that's right I said it...

I have writters block... There I said it. I have been thinking for days about how I was going to tell the world about my trip to my sister's house. I wanted to talk about the day that my sister, kids, mother-in-law and husband went shopping. Aparently, one should not eat a whole plate of fried food and then take the new "Diet pill" because you might think that you only have to fart but you really will shart in your pants..I know I know but it is true. Sister and hubby were in the bathroom at Dillars when he thought he had to fart...but no it was a shart.

Of coarse my sister laughed her arse off, her mother-in-law had to buy hubby new underware. My sister wouldn't let him throw the underware away and kept it to show the family. I know they are something special, and then you wonder what is wrong with me...Sister called the whole family to tell of this glorious news and well brother-in-law tried to deny it happened. Momo the youngest of my sister's 4 kids made sure to ask her father out loud at Dillars if he remembered to grab his underware. We all laughed for days about this insident and well brother took it like a champ.
More later on my adventures... now I need to read other blogs and hopefully I will be inspired, untill then I will make sure that I don't try the new "Diet Pill" because I don't want any anal leakage while out shopping.

Well I have never seen a wild thing feel sorry for it's self..

Just got home peeps....

I write more later...catching up on things.

Send me a quote from your favorite movie!!

Yes, I made it back alive with all my clothes on!!

On my way to Sisters....

I am on my way to my sister's house...watch out world if you think I am bad with my girlfriend just wait till sister and I throw one back...

Stay tuned...I'll let you know all the juicy stuff!!

What happen to your face??

Last night I was all glittered up, boobs up, but no cleavage out. Sorry, Johnny I had to wear my new fabulous shinny shirt.

Life house went on stage and I breathed in the music. Engineer guy of coarse had no idea who Lifehouse was "living for the moment I'm with you", and had no idea who the Goo Goo Dolls were " your Name". I think Engineer guy was taking one for the team, I was in Music blist.

Johnny then went on stage, My heart skipped a beat then, I blinked my eyes...surely wait a minute it sounds like him, it looks like his fabulous hair...Johnny did you get plastic surgery...No please say didn't give in the the whole Music biz and think that you have to have cheek implants. I didn't know how to take it, I mean really arn't men suppost to look more fabulous as they age? Johnny if you are reading this...I really enjoyed the music it was magical, but for goodness sakes please no more plastic surgery. Thanks!

Is Life Really a Beach?

Is life really a beach ? and if it is how come my tubing exprience was not all it was cracked up to be? Our first mistake was to go with people that were not drinking. How can you go down the river in tubes, in bacteria infested water, with 2 English teachers, and 4hours to burn without drinking?? Girlfriend almost bit the bulled I swear! She lost her cute fabulous hat, got stung by a bee and fell off her tube. Of coarse I emediately had to start CPR, perform the heimlich manover and gave her a shot of epi that I had strapped to my arse. No worries she was still breathing when I started the CPR, she really never was choking on anything and she really didn't have a allergic reaction to the bee sting, but I was like when in Rome why not practice..well because practice makes perfect right? At least girlfriend and I got a laugh when she asked the only guy on our tubing adventure if he needed a tampon? I don't think he got the joke CAUSE HE WASN'T DRINKING EITHER? What was wrong with these people?

Ahhh last the Tubing day has arrived...and I am up at 5:00 am I'm Officially a Dork

I was tagged several days ago by my fellow blogger Willow, she asked me to write 8 things that were unknown to the blog world...
I had to think for several days about this request because my blog is all about me and my life experiences, I never hold anything back. Last night we were the girls were talking about our salt adventure and the more we talked the more I thought not about telling unknown boring facts about myself but the Rules of engagement:
As was passed down from my aunt who was married to my uncle his step sister:
Rule 1. Sometimes you have to sleep in the wet spot. I guess it's kinda like taking one for the team.
2. This is the most important rule of engagment passed down from generation to generation. Every proper Southern girl, (no matter if you just got out of the shower) Uses a fresh clean wash cloth to freshen up before going to bed. My friends looked at me crazy last night when I told them that?? Clearly they are not from the South.
3. A landing strip is a must, hair is not our friend. When I was 14 yrs. Old my aunt Ann (cousin's wife who was like a year and a half older than me gross) said you have to shave more than just the bikini line. Really? I had no idea. Thanks aunt Ann! Not only do I frequently shave a landing strip but I have gotten a little artistic and have even managed shaving a heart, an E for Engineer guy...a M for math..oh yeah he appreciates it!
4. Putting your boobs in his face while in bed is a must! I just threw that one in there because I like it!!
5. Buying new panties and is a must, but not only do you have to buy them but you have to call or text your man and tell him "guess what I did today" Got some new sexy panties...yep works every time...
Now I would tell you the rest of my rules of engagment but then I would be giving away all of my Southern country girl secrets! Enjoy!

Tubing

This Monday I am going to the salt river. I just want you to know that this can't be anything but trouble seeing how I am going with my skinny dipping partner in crime. I am not sure if any of you know about this phenomeon that I like to call "Drink with my girlfriend and then my close fall off", but it seems that everytime I see her this happens.

I have decided that I am going to pase myself down the river because I am not really fond of public nudity when it comes to myself. I have warned "Engineer guy" that We are going to the river and I can't promise that I will keep all my clothes on but that I will try. Having said that he made me sign a release that I will not get upset if he takes his clothes off...shit fire man Iwant him to be the pool boy walk around naked all the time, let us feel him up, treat him like a sexual chocolate object and bring us cocktails.

What is so wrong with that?

He put's tomato's in the salad that is how much he loves me....

No worry peeps, it is still I (was that a grammical statement or what?). No, I am not trusting my words so it is still me (AKA Marverick) That darn girl will away's remain the same unprofessionally professional that we all know is still a virgin( if my father is reading this), has a child...That kiddo is great ,but( I am still a virgin if my father is reading this ...and father and I wasn't skinny dipping the other night and no I did not use bad words and okay one time I froze my boyfriends penis but I am a nurse come on let me live a little on the egde. WE WERE JUST HOLDING HANDS I SWEAR!) I will still be writing about all my boyfriend"s great qualities until he finds me out..that I am AkA Maverick (code name for just a little crazy but not stalker crazy). Okay, I think he know's I'm Maverick because we talked about feelings the other day and let's just say that it was me telling all the feelings...porque I have gone all the way soft...what is wrong with me??


That is right I have changed my picture, porque Jenny is prettier... (sound it out like a countriey girl would say it.) Here is how my day when..cause I know all of you are just sooo excited to read what is happening in my world with all my stripping in my mind, inappropriate talks with co-workers...No, my days of Dr. Goldenrod, my days of flirting, or pulling anyone into the clean utility are far far behind me or anyone else except my girlfriend Vasit then it is a go, proque she's not the happy type, "if ya get me?" I aked my boyfriend why he loves me everyday? Today, he loves me so he put tomato's in the salad even thought he doesn't particularly like them...he make dinner for me and I got to his house late..it was still warm kept nice an anit-bactericidic -a- free as was humanly possible. (I think I made that work up but Sh#@ fire it is my blog and I am allowed to make mistake, and yep still a virgin father!)

I hope my nose doesn't start growing or the people I work with might think something is wrong with me (there is but they can't see it cause it is my mind), but my boyfriend really is so soooo good to me it would be a shame to not let people know...know how just very amazing I think he is... SUPER,..... We have debates about water... he swears they don't use bacteria to clean our drinking water (My argue ment that bottled water is not regulated by the FDA) Honey... you won because I could not prove my theory and I will let it die, it front of all the world... SWEARTHEART YOU WERE RIGHT AND I WAS WRONG..see my love issue layed to rest for ever utill you drink and then you might say you can pass the NCLEX and guess what I will believe you then too....that is how much I love you..

Directionally Challenged

It is no secrete to my friends and family that I am directionally challenged. I think it is mostly because I am always on the phone giving my nursing or loving advice. Some people have said that I am a "man hater"- but what every she hasn't had a boyfriend since college and she is 29...(I am not hating just hurt and trying to keep her from being hurt is that so wrong?) and well you know that I am deeply in love in love with my boyfriend...let's just not tell him okay... we all know I am not about feelings. Although after many beers and glasses of wine we have become more open. My life is so great I peeing gold...no not really clear yellow if you must know ...I do have to report that infomation on my patients at work. Wow that is so much information hu?

So, why is it so hard for me to drive to the same places all the time? I am not sure. Last night I missed the exit to my boyfriends house and I was late. Poor guy called me and said honey are you lost again?...I couldn't admit it at first...I mean really can he still love me even if I wake up in the night and grab pursearella naked and say that I am going to the pharmacy? He says honey your not at work...oh I lay back down, only to wake up again and ask him if he has any allergies.

I have lived in many different cities have driven all over the country, and still I get lost in my own town. I know it is all my mothers fault that has to be it. Isn't is always the mothers fault. So, everyone is getting me a GPS..I said make sure that it says "turn right or turn left" cause you know if it says go south or north I will never find where I am going.

Thanks family, friends and Engineer guy for putting put with my crazy ways I mean really all you have to be is pretty right?

Is it Possible to freeze Your Boyfriends Penis?

First of all, I would like to say that my life is like a trashy romance novel I can't help it that's just how it is. I don't know how I get my self into these kind of predicuments but we are talking about the darn girl AkA Maverick.

I mean where do I start? Saturday was girls night out, it started so innocently. I go to girlfriends house with a bottle of wine (that was just the beginning of the wine drinking swray) I was all glittered up in my bikini ready for a nice dip in the pool and dinner later that night. Well, we drank the bottle of wine decided to do dinner and call it a night...ahhh yeah...well we did dinner alright, with acouple of margaritas some shots of tequila (that was the waiters idea)...let's just say...Good thing girfriend's husband was not home cause then we decided to skinny dip again again...I mean really...When ever we drink wine our close just fall off...I think it is part of our rules...you know I have rules... porque I stayed the night...no worries I was still game for Sundays barbaque...I never left her house...

Sunday, I had to take one for the team it's party time. I pased myself this time cause I don't want my close to fall off in front of strangers. So, I buy this party pack of condoms for that night...(no we weren't going to use all 12 of them)I think I am being smooth...and exciting right? Engineer guy is playig X-Box with the boys, but I am spent and ready for bed, so I go tell him I am going to bed and ummmm he needs to follow me if you know what I mean. He pulls out the condoms, little did he know that the condoms he pulled out had benzolidocaine in them. (okay it did not freeze his peni but it is ment to desensitize it so one can last longer) DISCLAIMER:HE'S PERFECT NO NEED FOR THIS TYPE OF CONDOM. How was I suppost to know it was part of the party pack.. Hey there was even strawberry condoms in the pack for those days that your feeling fruity....tehhee Long story short, He never did get back to playing X-box, and and not only did I freeze his peni I apparently kicked his balls too. I don't remember that action so I am taking the 5th ...If Idon't remember it never happen.

Yep my life is a trasy romance novel what can I say??

Dragon Shoes

So it is recorded in history that Men are like light bulbs, when there light is on then they are ready for commitment. When there light is off they are just test driving all the Shiny New Cars they can possibly get their hands on.

My aunt got married in 1984 to my uncle "Chemical Guy". I was a junior Brides maid with hair feathers so perfectly you would have thought I was the lead singer in the band "Wham". I asked her one day." How do you know Chemical Guy is the one?" She told me when the light bulb is on... you will know. Well, I really didn't know what the HE## she was talking
about then porque I know now.

My aunt is still happily Married with three kids. I model myself after her, and the trusting, loving relationship that she has built with "Chemical Guy". She is the one that taught be about the rules. Rule #1 always sleep naked together (skinny dip with your girlfriends occationally), #2 never with hold sex from each other...and on and on.

The other night at dinner I thought I would test this theory out on Engineer Guy. I asked him if his light bulb was on or off? He looked at me with that look of "I don't know what the hell you are trying to say but I am sure I am going to find out." Then I gave him an out... an easy out, "Run like hell from me now and you might be saved from the curse, stay and your going to be with me forever" Still puzzled, he blinked his eye and stated, "girrrl I know your crazy and I for what ever reason I still love you" Alright I told him, porque I warned you.

I did reasure him that although I might not be the sharpest tool in the Garage I would alway be exciting, fatihful, honest and I always love him unconditionally. We talked about our child hood. I told how much fun my Aunt and Uncle had over the years. Everytime my Uncle "Chemical guy" goes out with the Boyz he wears his Dragon Shoes. "Dragon Shoes"? Yep, when he puts on his drangon shoes usually one of the guys end up dragon his arse home mostly by his shoes.

Orgasm While Driving the Other Day...

At the a@@ crack of dawn I was driving to work minding my own business as I do most days of the week when all of a sudden I had an orgasm...

I know right, It was a full fledge full on Orgasm!!!

So, you want to know what triggered this Sexually Chocolate experience while I was driving?

DEA..."Shit fire" came to my mind no really that is what I was thinking, and then of coarse came the sexual thoughts that triggered this Big O.

While, driving in the bad part of town there were DEA agents wearing their full gear, I am talking Full on black, Masks to hid their faces (I liked that part), Huge semi automatics (guys I know you like that part) Hemlets, body armor, and oh yeah they were in 2 LARGE tanks that kindof looked like hummers (no pun intended) .

The DEA must have been getting ready for a drug bust or they just knew that I was on my way to work that morning and needed a little stimuli...which ever the case it made for a great start that morning...

Thanks DEA, No really thanks!

Shit Fire...

1. Shit fire is my new word. I have been using it a lot and I am hopeful that it will catch on...so I can prove to myself that I am famous in my mind.

2. I have been up since the crack arse of dawn, and I have been reading various blogs. I have been inspired to be a follower this time and write more unknown facts about myself or known as long as it tortures all of my fellow bloggers I am good...

3. Sometimes I go on a liquid diet of wine, beer, sake or wine and beer and sake. I think that it kills all of the bacteria internally that I come home with from the hospital. I asked one of the Dr.s I work with about this theory he could not rule it out. So, I roll with it.

4. I am a medical information Nazi, okay maybe Nazi isn't the word to use here, but I make my family listen to all of my medical information. I can't help it I am obsessed, OBSESSED I tell you. I feel very sorry for my father since he has had to listen to this since I learned about the platapuss...heheh I like the word plataPUSS.

5. I went skinny dipping this past weekend with my girlfriend...it was part of the therapy to get over the fight with the boyfriend; I would suggest it to anyone in a love fight. We also had 2 bottles of wine, and way to many beers. I had a strep throat infection I was sure that the alcohol would kill the infection, but decided on antibotics and sex with my boyfriend wouldn't hurt either.

6. When I was taking microbiology I thought that I was asian for a while. I did not eat red meat, I started drinking green tea, and I got accupunture for a broken foot. I guess I had a hard time coming to grips with the fact that I had indeed broken my 3rd metatarsal. After micro, I could hardly eat chicken after I saw all the bacteria that I grew from my fellow classmates belly button. Not that her belly button bacteria had anything to do with chicken, I'm just saying I had a hard time with bacteria at the time, and I think I still do that is why I drink alcohol to internally cleans.

7. I think everyone should have a code name: mine is Maverick but don't go telling everyone or it can't be my code name anymore.

8. My child has chest hair and proudly anounced it to me the other day along with underarm hair. I cried, a mildstone passes again. Sheesh I am getting old, good thing I still think I am 25 in my mind.

9. I am not wearing any underware right now.

Finally 10. I secretely work for the CIA undercover as a ER nurse..shhhh Don't tell anyone.

My porno....

Not so tattered anymore...Honestly I had an afair with Brain Pitt, while I was watching the porno Troy. " Engineer Guy" is aware of this infraction and is okay with it just this one time...

I said, "I also had an afair with Brad when he was Tristian in "Legends of the Falls"" another porno that I watch frequently when I need a ego boost...I figure that if I could only get to Tristian and have sex with him (torid sex) that he would in fact be okay after the death of his brother...

"Engineer Guy" too the agreed that since I was so upset this week over our text fight that he could forgive me...

All is well again in Amy land. Honestly, I told on him..to his friends...It is like I am in 6th grade all over again. It worked I feel much better and they reminded him how special our relationship really is, but only after 2 bottles of wine and many many beers.(that was me drinking the wine and beers with my girlfriend) He was just drinking beers.

I do not hold on to things for long. I have forgiven him and I am through wondering if he is telling me the truth...I am taking my own advise and just letting it go. After all he really is a good man I know that in my heart, and sometimes he just doesn't understand that not only am I famous in my mind but that I am a medical detective and can spot a pimple a mile away.

I am no longer upset, I have a strep throat infection, the Dr. I worked with today was kind enough to write me a prescription for z-pack and I went home earily from work...The Dr. also told me that I should have torid sex with "Engineer guy" cause that will really cure my sore throat...and that is what I did..."Engineer Guy
made a wonderful dinner for me tonight and I took advantage of him sexually chocolate...I'm feeling better already...Hey I am just following Dr. orders....

Tattered

Still a little tattered..What can I say I know that all relationships go thought trials and tribulations...

The thing that really get's me is that everything seemed so perfect, for once in my life I thought that I really found that guy that was almost perfect, except for the gas of coarse.

The thing is I am not really a person that feels/ I like to just live my life with love and friendship brushing things under the rug. Just pretent that certain things never really happen. That is how it has been really all of my life, but this guy I really thought everything was real...and now I am second guessing everything....

I went dancing last night and I had a really good time...

I will hang in there....keep you updated untill then I must drink many many beers...

Okay it is not war anymore but I am going to keep this one short

Boyfriend got into town on Sunday.,..we had a talk...I cried for the first time in front of him..we have been together for almost a year...

I never cry...ever...my heart is usually cut off from my brain, but I think it was lack of internet access that really brought out the tears...

No worries...I did not die...but I think my cardiac enzymes might be elevated (laymens terms heart attact) or maybe that was just one of my patients that I had today... I'm not sure I have been up for 24 hrs and I am to tired to argue with my Dr.. I told him I must be admitted imediately cause I think that I am dieing....

He said you are breathing right...right..then your just fine....so it must have been one of my patients...

Boyfriend and I are working out our problems...because I'm still alive and kicking...and because he confessed his undieing love for me...and I don't quit easy...althought I have been known to give up the sex easy when it comes to him...and then there are the rules of coarse...

After the act of intercoarse...don't you love that word...fornication...my cardiac enzyme were normal after all....

Thanks peeps for hanging in there!!! I promise to check out your blogs tommorrow...or else I might really have a heart attact due to lack of withdrawl,,,

It's War

For the last 2 weeks I have not had internet at my apartment.

OMG I thought I was going to die, dead...just die.

I mean really, how am I supposed to function if I can't blog my heart out to my peeps, and what are they to thinking of me?

Have they forgotten me? Am I just a distant memory...I can't take it...I swear, I swear!

Dead, I almost died. I called the "internet people" they did not understand my urgency...what a blog? I said this is life or death people you do not understand...I have a reputation to up-hold to tell all my dirty little secretes and gross stories that make most people throw-up. Somehow I don't think they thought it was an urgent.

I told them look I am famous, really famous maybe only in my mind but still famous!

What happen this week? I got in a terrible fight with my boyfriend over the text message of course. He is out of town and I can't bring myself to talk to him. I am not sure that I will be able to talk with him over the phone while he is gone. Today I ate two donuts, a donut whole to self medicate. It only worked for an hour...now my brain is in a fight with my body...and oh the heart is kind of tattered as well...more tomorrow...I have got to catch up on all my peeps!

Weird Science...

Am I the only one that was In Love, In LOVE with Anthony Michael Hall? Heck I was in love with him when he was in the move "Sixteen Candles"...Ah remember thoughts days of innocence. It was so easy for us girrls to fall in love every week with someone new.

I was thinking back to my very first kiss. I remember it like it was yesterday. He had big blue eyes, blonde hair (sort of a bowl cut), he was definitely shorter than I, and he had braces. I think I only really loved him for his braces; I coveted "braces" at the time. I had no idea why my teeth were straight.

Yep, at the time I was definitely in love. If you asked me to talk to him I would be tongue tied after all boys were just starting to interest me. Talk to them about what? He asked me to go to the movies. Ah yeah, to what movie I still can't remember, but I do remember him touching my hand trying to hold it. OMGosh! He tried to hold my hand, and NO I did not kiss him that night what kinda girl do you think I am? I do not kiss on the first date. No "Engineer guy" I didn't even kiss you on the first date like you so hopefully remember.

The next week we were at recess, he put his face close to mine. I started to sweat. What was happening to me? I mean I have seen this scene several times in the movies? Should I close my eyes? Should I tilt my neck? What if my nose gets' in the way? What happens if I get my lip stuck in his braces like I have seen so many times in teen movies? Should I let him stick his tongue in my mouth? Should I just stick my tongue out? Or should I move it around? All of these questions racked my brain as I was in the moment. Damn I should have read Cosmo magazine before I went to school that day. I quickly I eyeballed the recess grounds for my friends, If I could just get a look from one of my friends a nod to let me know it would be all okay. I saw no one. So I did what any seventh grade student would do in my place.

I faked it! I closed my eyes acting like I knew knew what I was doing. And there you have it folks. He put his lips on mine and it was the worst slimy kiss I have had till this very day. I did not open my mouth. I did not dare let him go for the tongue kiss. No, I would have to do more research before I went to that base and I think he needed some more research too. I told myself I definitely needed to watch several more make-out movies, and read additional trashy magazines.

I broke up with him that very same week...after all Next week I knew I would be in love with someone else... Hopefully the next boy will have done his research...

P.S. "Engineer Guy" I know why I love you this week...It is for your sweet sexy kisses.

Some People Are So Far Away Yet So Close...

I have to say that I am one lucky girl...

I have been on my own since the very day I turned 17 yrs. old. I had an old beat up car, a garage apartement with shagg green carpet and no refrigerator. The green carpet in itself is enough to make me break out in Hives. No worries Mist1 I took a benadrl. (my cure for everything)
I only ate once a day...now if I could only manage to due that I would be super lean.

One day I realized as I read other blogs we all have gone though tough times, one being no greater pain than the other, yet I have have been soo blessed. I never ever was without love; not from my family but from the family I created with friends. Beth when I read some of your painfully honest stories, my heart when out to you. I want you to know that your heartfelt stories inspired me, your dedication to your children...not to mentions your husband amazes me. Your like the glue that keeps everything together. While mothers' are over worked and under payed, I just want you to know that others look to you for glue too and we appreciate ya...Do you take peanuts for payment?? Unless of coarse you have an allergy to them.

Made my day...

1# Made my day, while working today a single white male came in with testical abcess...I am sure that it was MRSA...Dr. lanced it...I can't even tell you what came out of it...you might throw-up...but I I was smiling inside... I know I am sick, sick I have a problem. Let's blame it on my mother...

2# Mist1 cracked me up again again with her blog...people you have to read it...

3# Tonight is date night and my boyfriend is cooking dinner...he doesn't believe that I am capible of knocking him out cold. So what if he is like 6'3 and almost 200 lbs. I can kick his arse...Hey hey people we had a boxing ring out in the barn where I grew up...So, I had to knock him out just to prove a point...Why Why do men not believe me? There is a lota power behind this small frame...never underestimate the darn girl....

Yep today was a wonderful day!!!

Beer is Mostly Protien Right?

I can't believe you said that...and he still loves you..."Girlfriend mentions this too me last night" Suddenly I am insecure and think to myself...maybe I am tooo much...to crazy...I mean really who dates someone who is knee deep in other people vagina during the week or has other men's peni in there hands...GLOVE people Gloved...and ONLY for medical emergencies I swear...I swear...

Tonight is date night with myself... I'm a cheap date, so I am watching "Sex in the City" DVD's that I borrowed and drinking beer for dinner...what is soooo wrong with that? and as I watch the DVD's I am analizing every sexual chocolate episode as if I am a chair holder on the team of judges for the Golden globe awards...

I think to myself...I know thinking a new concept; I scratched my head as I pondered the thought...Does he really love me with all my crazyiness?...I mean I wake up in the middle of the night and say.."Dr. I need the patients chart"...He gently nudges me and says baby we are in bed you are not at the hospital..."Oh" I go back to sleep...or when I have a particular stressful day and I can't sleep due to all the adrenaline racing though my viens because I was involved in a Code Blue before I reached his house for date night...he understands that I can't sleep and doesn't mind if I keep the TV on as he sleeps... On the weekends he lets me drink and get a little crazy with telling all my peni stories...he never even is fazed when I give the talk about herpes...I send him text messages that read, " I know that you have a girlfriend, but how about we have sex before she comes over"...he sends a text to me back..." sounds great, by the way I love you and I will see you Later" darn fooled...he know's it was me...

"Girlfriend" does he love me for me and all the crazy shit I put him through?...I asked him tonight as he was driving home from a business dinner with clients...Honey...you sure you love me?...
He is solid. He say, " Woman...till the deepest end of the ocean till the last grain of sand"...

I love it when he calls me Woman...yes girlfriend...He loves me even if.....

Ma I got a Chin Hair...WTF?

No you don't...

Ma yes I do.

No you don't.

Please dear God tell me that my almost 12 yr. old son doesn't have a chin hair. He is convinced convinced that he has a chin hair and for sure has a mustache...

If I only knew how painful it was to grow him up. His Grandmother a wise wise woman once told me, "one day he is going to break your heart, grow up and live his life with-out you being able to control it".

WTF? Didn't I give birth to this kid? Didn't I stretch out my perfectly flat belly in to a road map of streaks, and stretch marks?

I tell you what...How dare he grow up. How dare he not want me to pick him up and carry him around while we are shopping? Oh of coarse he's like almost taller than I am now, and he does wear an 11 1/2 size shoe in men...but I think I might still be able to drag him around...

Oh me Heart was never the same after he was born...it has just grown big and soft...that and "Engineer guy" made me love him too...

Darn...Boys they have made me go soft...What happened to me I used to be so hard core...

How Did I Not Know This...

How did I get into Nursing school with out knowing that I would be Knee deep in vajigna..bagina..all the time...
Just this week I had to tell and teach a prego woman that she in fact had the Herp..and not just an urinary tract infection...

Let's just say that it must not be easy to date me and kinda not very sexy at times when I have to come home and tell”Engineer guy" about my vagina escapades. Not very sexy to tell him that I had my fingers, GLOVED people GLOVED in some Herp Vajgina...What can I say...I'm to sexy for my...boyfriend.

"Engineer guy" I'm sorry I wake up and ask you what allergies you have, and what medication your on...I am always working while I am sleeping...I'm sorry that I snore sometimes...yes, I admit that dirty little secrete. I’m sorry that I am a bacteria phoebe and ask you how long you have had that blister on your finger...

The thing is people he still talks to me...I don't get it. No matter what crazy thing comes out of my mouth, he still still talks to me and most of the time he still wants to have sex with me...well boyfriend...I love you...and no matter what crazy thing you do (He never does anything crazy, I told him to start so we could have balance) I will always love you... to the deepest end of the ocean to the very last grain of sand...and I'll be sure to bring thoughs breath right stips tonight...

My new pet, Pursearella, light purple shiney and never talks back...

As I got off of work today, crazy arse day I went to boyfriends house...or coarse I got lost again I only been going there for like ever...
I walked into the door with chest pain non a scale of 1-10 it was like a 4/10(no worries I am a doctor in my mind and know that it was really only anxiety and a need for tylenol pm), good thing boyfriend missed me cause there she was in the corner pursearella shiney and sparkley...I was stunded by the beauty of Purse-arella I was captured, it sunk in and I was self medicated with dieing devotion and love for purse-a- rella....
She's no ordinary pet, she gets to ride in a car seat in back seat due to wieght. She is potty trained and allowed to go out with me on most occations as long she is not at risk for injury. She never acts up, is not on regualar medications and she never complains. She is like the bestest ever...darn pet a girrll could have...and hey sweetheart you are the best of the best and I know that shit aint spelled right and all my grammar is wrong...it' s too dang late and my brain hurts.....Just know that Purse-a-rella will been loved as well as you and if not more than you...sweet! You the Champ!!!

MIA....I Have been Stripping....Ohhhhh Yeah

I have decided to quit my job as a Nurse as become a stripper...I mean really...I will not have to work 12 hr shifts, I will not have to collect urine, blood or deal with mean nurses that will not talk to me just because I a traveler. I asked boyfriend...Boyfriend will you still love me if I become a stripper...he says yes...

So, like you don't have to have a degree if you want to become a stripper, you can work days ...ummmm you don't wear any clothes..that is good cause all I have is scrubs... I might have a problem thought...I hear that you have to show your boobs...now I am not 0ne for having a problem showing cleavage...I mean really the girls are out all the time...but lets face it I need the push up bra, I have never flashed the boobs, and there is that fact that you have to dance on a pole. While I dance for my boyfriend on a regular basis (he has a pole in the living room) I'm not sure that I am that coordinated. ...Plus I might be self conscious of my body...after the kid your body is never the same...

Okay Okay...I guess I am only going to be a stripper in my mind and well I really kind of like being a nurse...

Brother thank you because everyone's not able...

My brother-in-law is headed to Iraq for his 3rd tour... Yes, he has already spent 2 yrs of his life in Iraq... He is married to my sister and they have 4 children...Thank you brother for doing what it takes so that I have freedom...I will forever be grateful cause everyone is not able...

Bedside Ky Jelly Despenser...

Mist1 I just want you to know that I found that bedside lube dispenser for those ohhh so unexpected moments!

The Sh#@ that Plagues my Mind...

During my birthday week I did nothing but pretty much drink everyday. Alcohol was my theme for this years birthday. I thought if I drink a lot then I will not really remember my age or birthday and then it will be as if it didn't really happen, Right? Can we just say that I was on a liquid diet? Is there anything wrong with that? I think not. I went to a popular Wine bar in the valley last Wednesday (my actual B-day) with my girlfriend and proceeded to gossip about our misadventures in dating. Ohhh what fun!

Just tell me is it wrong to go out with a guy again even though he has a "Star Wars" room? No really seriously my girlfriend said she went on several dates with a guy who was 28yrs old and had a Star Wars room. His room was completely packed full of star wars action figures and life size cut outs. She told me that she was adamant about not-dressing up as Princess Laya. WTF? May the force be with him.

That sh#@ plagues my mind.

I decided that after all the alcohol that I consumed this I should at least go out and try to work off some of the extra calories. Let's just say that this morning I could hardly get out of the bed. You see sometimes I for get that I am old and I shouldn't just run sprints and tumble like I did when I was in high school. Apparently, I haven't used most of my muscles in a while and my body is turning against me.

The sh#@ that plagues my mind.

I have recently been contemplating many new changes, moving on and figuring things out. I am leaving my job. I will still be an ER nurse but I will just be going to different hospital around the valley. I figure how hard it can be going to a new hospital every day, never knowing when you’re going to work and following different directions daily. Really can I just say that I am directionally challenged? I get lost all the time. Hey, I am new to the valley I have only been living here for 4 years. Change can be hard, but I felt the need to try something new and possibly gain more experience. Hopefully the agency will understand that I get lost more than I get found.

Oh the sh#@ that plagues my mind.

I had way to much beer last night!!!

Click on x reminds me of my cheerleading days..enjoy

Oops I Did it Again...

In my never-dieing quest to educate my self, to to sound completely like I know what I am talking about even though I usually don't; I came across a book " The Catholic Girl's Guide to Sex". It never hurts to educate ones self on many topic, and I thought I might learn a little something new...

While buying this book I kind of felt guilty, you know in that "Catholic girl" kind of way; the way that you hear your Mother telling you that "good girls" do not mention or talk about sex ever. Shamefully, I paid for the book and took it to the gym to read as I worked out. On my way, I had to say three Hale Marys' just for buying the book.

When I got home from the gym I decided to put on my saddle shoes, white shirt and pleated skirt. I bought the whole get-up for my boyfriend last week, but that is a whole different story. I thought when in Rome right? I lay across my bed and as I read-on I had a flood of memories come back to me. I remember all thoughts school days talking to my girlfriends in the hallways and at lunch about the "deed" ohhh how we where so completely wrong... Remember when you thought you could get pregnant from going to 2nd base? Or remember all the prayers you had to recite for thinking or talking about being a bad girl? Or my personal favorite, "you can't get pregnant if the guy pulls out."

My mother never gave my sister and me a clue about getting our periods'. No, No I had to learn about the "Monthly Visit" from every young girl’s bible, "Are You There God it's Me Margret”. Then of coarse there was sex education in 9th grade. We used Bananas to practice putting on condoms, imagine my disappointment years later when I would actually see a penis.

I am sure sure that every Catholic girl's mother must have told them that "If you get pregnant it will be the end of your life". The extent of my Mother's sex talk consisted of “If you get pregnant I will throw you out of the house and disown you". What can I say she was great at communicating and just knew knew how to make you feel so special and loved.

And these are the days of my life....

This Hurts I Swear...I Swear...

Recently my girlfriend has ventured out into the single world. I wish I could say that I was envious of this endeavor; however I am so blissfully happy in couple Dom that the endless amount of different hook-ups, different sized peni and random dry humping (apparently one have an orgasm this way) doesn't appeal in any way, shape, size (tehee) or form.

It is a good thing, however that I can help point my girlfriend in the right direction because because I always can talk about feelings with this friend. I sometimes tell myself that I am a relationship expert. I do, I know only for other people of coarse because we all know that when it comes to my relationship I can only fight via e-mail and I can never never let my boyfriend know how I feel. I'm sure if I told him how I really felt it might kill kill kill me dead; I might die. I expect him to read my mind instead. What? What's wrong with that? He is really starting to get the hang of it; good job "Engineer guy". I might be kind of delusional when I think about being a relationship expert, but work with me people. I am a trained professional (I laugh professional) ohhh if only they knew.

Any who, back to my girlfriend. I have to say fellow bloggers this is pretty painful to report, but my friends, family and poor boyfriend know that they are subject to being blogged about at anytime or situation; it is part of my charm. I keep telling my boyfriend he is famous in blog land and I am sure that he is almost falling for it. (well after that last blog and all) Score!

My Girlfriend has been texting me, calling me, reporting to me every EVERY detail of her now infamous 2-day relationship with the new guy. What can I say it has been a week of scandal?

Girlfriend: After our last make-out session you all know, where ummmm he gave me an A+ for my wax job. He has not called me. Do you think after 2 dates I went a little too far? Is this that double standard thing again?

Me: Well, you did have an orgasm dry humping; I wouldn't call it a total failure just yet. Isn't there like a 2-day rule when he is not suppose to call?

Girlfriend: I hate that rule. I am really just used to them stalking my every move and spending every free moment trying to spend time with me. You know hundreds of texts, frequent calls and many e-mail.

Me: This makes my brain hurt. So, really that didn’t work for you in the past. Why not? You know come up for air every-now-and-then. Step out of the box...see your friends...Me Me Me

I get the dreaded call yesterday...this part kills me.

Girlfriend says: I know why he didn't call back. He sent me an e-mail.

Me: Oh no not the death my e-mail?

Girlfriend: Yes, he says that I had really bad breath both times he made out with me for like 8 hrs, he suggested that I floss more.

Me: No way...well let's just say it didn't stop him from getting fresh with you. tehee fresh...

Girlfriend: Yeah I made an appointment with the dentist. I am soo embarrassed.

Me: "thinking" (okay this is a really bad excuse. He just wasn't into her and worse he was mean about it). What could I say?...for once I was a loss for words. I said, well your beautiful I never have smelled bad breath on you (this girl really takes care of herself I had a hard time believing this). Of coarse I never made out with her, but still I thought this was kind of cruel. I said, keep me informed I am here for you.

Girlfriend: I'm okay I'm not sure if I want to see him again, I really liked him.

Me: Scquez me? Are you kidding me? What is wrong with her? Painful...just painful.

So, I did what any girl in my position would do I called boyfriend and ask him if I have bad breath?

Engineer guy says: "Honey your breath is always horrible, but the sex is too good not to call you."

This from a man that loves me for my scallops. Yep, he definitely loves me.... its sooo obvious.

This I know to be True...

1. I am a crazy girl, stepping out of the box is my usual style. My boyfriend is aware of this thanks goodness he's into crazy.

2. Apparently one can have an orgasm just dry humping. My girlfriend called me this week to give me this news...who knew?

3. Apparently one can dry hump most of the night away and never even come close to knowing what size the guys peni is? My girlsfriend and I talked about this very subject for I donno 5 hrs staight. My boyfriend was out of town this week I had to entertain my self some how. Don't worry sweatheart...we had to discuss your peni too. What can I say it is the rules...Don't worry honey I told the truth....Swing..

4. You cannot stop me, you cannot destroy me for I am the cockroach of love.

No really she thinks she looks good....

The apple does not fall far from the tree...

OMG what I have to look forward too:

My Ma has had the same hair style for like 20 yrs the 80's are OVER with. Please someone tell my Ma that perms are, I repeat perms are not in style. I tell her that you shouldn't color and perm your hair at the same time, but she doesn't listen to me. She tells me that she needs the perm for body and color cause she has premature grays. Ummm, sckewz me but ummm arn't you in your 50's premature Ha! Put down the aqua net, bangs are defininately not in Ma. She says she need the big bangs to take away from her wrinkled forhead. Okay I say, but ummmm do they have to be like 5 inches High.

Please say that you can change your destiny or I am going to end up with a perm, high bangs, jellies, boobs out (oh wait a minute I already do that) and short short skirts that I have no business wearing. Please when the apple falls let there be wind....

Hey Ma You Never Fooled Us...

My exercise for the day consisted of driving to the grocery store and caring bags up the flight of stairs to get to my very roomy 500 sq feet apartment. While in the grocery story, I was reminded that while growing up my Mother was the king of queens when trying to convince my sister and me that indeed what she cooked was really chicken in disguise.
Here is how it would play out. My Ma decided for what ever reason that she would feed her blessed 2 young daughter a organ other wise known as the cleaner...I mean really what was she thinking really what was she thinking. Now we all know that this particular organ has an aroma that can never, I repeat can never be mistaken for chicken. My Ma would bread and fry it up, she would chop it up, she would even try cooking it in the crock pot as if to fool my sister and I...trying to make us think it was pot-roast. But I, I never was fooled by the concoctions that she would come up with. I always knew Mother...always that indeed the supposedly “meat” she was cooking was Liver...Nop never fooled no matter how much she tried to convince us... She would try and sell us the dinner by insisting that the liver was infact chicken... I had no choice but to feed the liver to the dog...and even then sometimes the dog wouldn't eat it...

I would like to say...

I would like to say that I have a problem...I know I know your shocked,,
When I am work I can't control it...I some how takes over me and I feel the need to reach for it..
Oh I am sorry...your having chest pain..I reach for it
Oh your numb on the right side of your body...you have had a stroke before..I reach for it
Oh you can't breath..hold on a minute..I need it
I am a Bath and body mentha lip tint -a -holic
I know I know it is a serious problem...I have called a therapits
You see I am always so worried that people will say you know that nurse...she has shitty breath..
The lip balm is just so minty and fresh...

Good times in Florida

Notice who has the biggest beer...ahhh here I am with all my peeps that the release party of Shanemeade.com...soooo much fun. I would share the other pics but ummmmm they are of me dancing all you can see is my butt...

Sucess

"Life is a sucession of moments. To live each one is to succeed." -Corita Kent



Can I just be cheesy here for one moment. Good I thought so. This past year has been a year of complete growth and change. I left someone who I loved so deeply and I never thought I would find someone as wonderful as him. "Fire guy" Thank you for sharing just a glimps of time with me it was life changing. My current boyfriend is soooo sweet, kind, loving and just soooo great. Success does it really have to do with how much stuff we have, what class we see ourselves in, what kind of friends we have?? I just got back from Florida, met some really amazing people, stayed with my boyfriends friends and they were soooo great. I wouldn't change that experience for staying in a five star hotel, because we were living in the moment. Sharing the experience of really enjoying all the wonderful things about each other. Yes, success should be measured by the people that love you in your life, measured by the way that you live your life, and by the gifts that you give back to one another. Yes, in a day in age where it seems that people will judge one by the car that they drive or by the purse they carry. I am standing against the man...my life I hope will be measured on the people I help, the love that I have for my man and I will never judge him no matter what comes our way, the kind of mother I am, ( i live to torchure the kid with my information) and by the people that love me. I hope all of you will do the same, live in the moment...be successful

Country Girl Code

The Code: Code name Maverick (we will get into that later) Just imagine the song "Take my breath away" playing ever so delicately... distant in backround (the fan blowing my hair just so) and me writing this in my cowboy boots and nothing else.

Rules:

Rule #1. Drink Beer

Rule #2. Drink a lot of Beer

Rule #3. Find a country boy from West Virgina and Drink Beer

Rule #4. Fly to Florida to See your Man's home boy play Live, be astonished at talent of the Band and Drink a shit loads of beer.

Golden Rule: Shanemeade.com (you guys really got to check this shit out)

Rule #5. Become a West Virgina fan by default (your man 's from there you have no choice) OMG did he say I didn' t have a choice...I love it when he says that the more beer I drink...

Rule #6. Get pneumonia before flying to Flordia to see your man's home boy play live and still drink a ton of beer and party till like 4:00 am...

Rule # 7: Go through alcohol withdrawl the day you fly back to the desert and decide yep you definately need another beer...

Just a Couple of Tid Bits

I woke up yesterday at 3:30 in the afternoon (hey I worked the night before) I got all glammed up(you know boobs out) and rushed to my boyfriends house to watch the Super bowl with our friends and I awoke this morning not knowing who won.

Apparently, the bottle of wine I drank had something to do with that. I wondered if I had fun? I scratched my head pondering the fact. My boyfriend did not complain about me embarrassing him this morning. Maybe he doesn't remember either.

I then wondered if he poked me with his channel changer, I think he did. I did not ask, I thought that he could keep that one for himself. I have been told that there is a difference between having intimate relations with Drunk darn girl and sober darn girl.

Really? It must like getting 2 girls in one...how lucky is he.

Just a Few words...no worries I'm okay

While working I almost got beat up by someone who refused to believe he has Gondaloria..

Don't worry I treated him anyway with the shot...

I some how broke my thumb off...
Don't worry it wasn't really broken off...but definatley swollen and bruised..
I lost the fight with the weights....trying to keep up with my new diet...

I was sent this story in the mail. I thought I would share the smile.

Good pick up line

A Navy pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" The Navy pilot explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...." "The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" The Navy pilot smirks, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

kand that's all I got for ya!!!

Some Things Gots to Change Around Here...

Whilst in Dallas I was can you say a lump on a log. I think my Father the Marine would be sooooo disappointed in me if he knew how lazy I have been this past week. I mean it I swear, I swear things are going to change before I can like fit into my skinny jeans (I am pushing it). Semper Fi Amy Semper Fi, Suck it up as my Father would say. I say to my self, "Self I think I can I think I can". The following is in no particular order.

1: Masturbate at least once a week, hey this is not not for sexual pleasure I swear, it is to release chemicals in my brain that will help me reach homeostasis. ( You brought that right?)

2. Go to the Gym at least 4 times a week. If I start to slack I am going to kick my own arise and I will not let my self Masturbate as punishment and then you know that means....no homeostasis ..I swear it is not sexual I swear...

4. Eat better food. Why my fridge right now has plenty of raw veggies...I am forced to eat them I have nothing else, unless I start to eat my own arm off. Which in case I am kind of vain and need my arm. I have every variety of Rice cakes -that is known to all man in my cabinets (but they taste so good I swear).If I try to cheat, I will not allow myself to masturbate and we all know what that means no homeostasis...It's not sexual I swear...

6. Wright down everything I'm not anal'; will not wright down what I eat so surly I will not eat that much...

7. And there you have it, some things got to change around here...

A Couple of Reasons Why....

So, I am in Dallas the Big D for a couple of days, suddenly a flood of memories come over me and I realized why I left.

One year for my birthday I agree to go on a date with a new guy. He picked me up in a plush red crushed velvet interior, no airconditioning, old beat up car. The car started smoking as we left the safety of my house. Before the car caught on fire we made it to the restraunt. After my date put out the fire (I might ad that I was not impressed with his firefighting techques), we decided to eat and have some alcohol(to kill my embarrassment, lots of alcohol cause it is the answer for everything). After my date had several drinks, he disclosed the one thing that would seal the deal( Seal his fate forever as if the car ordeal was not enough). He told me he had a fake Ball...Nutt, Testical... Ballas, Nugget if you will...

And after everything that transpired he still had the Ball to call me...

I once Dated a Chiroprator who was from Canada that should have been my first clue. We met out at the cove. Fun, times my girls and I were living it up having some drinks when he swept me up in his Adam Sandler (before he was fat) looks, and crack up personality. Hey I like to laugh and I was getting ready to go to Nursing School we had a lot in common. The he took his hat off. OMG No, don't say it. The man was not even 30yrs old and he had a toupee. Oh it was a expensive toupee (can you say Epoxy , GLUE to his head), He would get the old ""Hair Cut", wink wink...every 6 weeks ( I might ad that he was extrememly emotional for this event) . After I had gone out with this guy for a couple of months. Hey, he was fun, nice, successful, and I thought if I pretend that it wasn't there then maybe it was just a figment of my imgination. One day he comes to me and says I have something to tell you...I say please don't tell me cause then cause then it will be true...

I couldn't handle the truth Jack..I just couldn't handle the truth...
(I have affinity for the Movie, " A Few Good Men")

One time one time...Okay you getting the picture...I have been on a lot of bad first dates and dated of couple of guys that were can we say questionalble at the very least. Hey, I'm a nice girl it could happen to anyone...a toupee here and there...a fake ball ever now and then...

Go figure?

At 86yrs Old I Think You Might Be....

The other night I walked in a patient room as I always do...
So, tell me what is going on with you??

86yrs old: you have beautiful teeth, I used to be a dentist, and that was when dentist did surgery and why I even help birth babies.

Me: Wow, thanks want to tell me why your here today.

86yrs old: You have really nice hair, who does your high lights.

ME: I do my own hair thanks, ummmm you want to tell me what's wrong with you tonight?

86yrs old: You have beautiful long eyelashes, you know I graduated 2nd in my class when I when to dental school. The only person that beat me was a guy that was a MD first.

Me: Really, so are you having chest pain tonight is that why you are here? (His daughter is at the bedside urging her father to tell me about his chest pain)

86 yrs old: You have really nice boobs too...

Me: skews me?...I laugh did he just say that you have really nice boobs?

And there you have it...86yrs. old man I think you just a little too old for me, but thanks for the complements...

This is Why I am Messed up...

Me: Ma do you have to be topless in the swimming pool (my mother has Double D's to die for and still standing at attention; she knows this) I think the neighbor is looking at you through the fence.

Ma: What the neighbors never seen boobs before? It's hot out and I am in my own back yard.

Me: Ma please put at least a T-shirt on...

Ma: No...Porque it hot that's why...

Me: I give up. This is what is wrong with me...

Hey "GYM GUY" that white skin tight shirt that you wear the the gym is not attractive...
I just thought I would put that one out there...

I Said It...I'm Such Dork

It is the ever so sequential moment in a person’s life where one opens their heart and tells their Boyfriend/Girlfriend that they indeed LOVE them..

Thoughts of you that know me know that I am not about feelings( Damn it Jim I’m a Marine). I would rather eat grubs in a rain forest, I would rather strip naked and go streaking through the parking lot (Oh wait a minute I think I have already done that not so painful), I would rather be subjected to watching basketball for 48 days and nights(I can only handle so much beer at one time), and I would rather make out with David Hasselhoff…okay let’s not go that far.

I would rather do all of thoughts things than tell “Engineer Guy” in person that I really Love him. It is a mystery to why I can tell all of the blog world my most intimate details or share the gross stories of my life (like when I was shit on at work, hold on Steve I am getting to that story).

I have obsessed about this moment for the last month. I knew that the time would come that I would have to really tell him how I feel about him. Here is the problem we both are people that have a hard time with talking about our emotions. I was a dinner with my girlfriend the other night and she says to me, “I don't understand all of the text messages you guys send to each other” or the fact that when I really have to tell him something personal I must write to him via e-mail. I tell her I am not sure; it is like I need a filter. I need to filter my feelings through any means necessary. What’s wrong with me?? She is unsure, but offers the fact that I am from Arkansas. I concur.

So, Love was in the air the other night, and I was feeling somewhat brave (I think that is the wine talking). My sweetheart is of town right now with a cold and runny nose(my poor baby). I am feeling he needs a little bit of my love. I think it is time to tell him that I love him. I open my phone to call him, then decide I should just text him (thank Goodness for technology). I write, “I love you J” and there you have it. The moment I have been obsessing over for the past month or so. He writes back, “ this is not how I imagined telling you, but I love you too”.
Awe, he loves me too. Yep, we are in touch with each other. He’s from the country too. I think this is how all country folks relay their feelings for each other…Awe, My heart skips a beat he loves me...

I'm such a dork...

Some Little Unknown Facts About Me....

I am not sure why I am telling all of you who read my blog these little unknown facts about me.

Maybe because I fell guilty because everyone is always telling me their most personal informations like...ummmm One time guy comes in and is like I am having chest pain...his heart rate 151...and he is like my balls are sticky.

What? Chest pain + sticky Balls (Testicals people, Nuts)= using Crack...
I say come clean and tell me what you have been doing...He says,"okay, I have been smoking crack and hanging out with some girls...well I think theiy were girls"...talk about TMI

1. I am a bacterica Phobe...I can't eat chicken or any meat that has been left out for more than 30 minutes. I can't eat meat that has any sign of freezer burn.

2. I love to pop zits..I am somewhat obessessive about the boil. My poor boyfriend gets put through the picking machine every time I see him. He knows this fact about me and tolerates it only because He gets my juice box, or at least that is what he tells me. Poor guy grew up in a family that is not touchy feely and then he gets to be apart of my family that will make out with you(even slip you the tongue if you don't watch out) when they meet you for the first time...

3. My car contains shoes,( lots of them). clothes, the kitchen sink, socks, various shades of lipstick, tampons, millions of little peices of paper that I might need to write on one day so I can't get rid of them, a blanket (just in case I get stuck in a bilizzard. Hey I know I live in the desert but you just never know), and tide detergent. That is not even including the trunk...let's not go there.

4. I must light candles, put on mood music, no one can be in the house, the lights must be turned down and I must say to myself ,"It is okay everyone is doing it". This all has to take place when I go to the bathroom and that is just to pee cause that is all I do... nothing else. I swear I swear.

5. I am chronically on the phone. I think that I would die...die with out my phone with me. It is like my life line. I am always always on the phone talking with my friends and family. If my phone is not attached to my ear permently; it is attached to my arse.

So, there you have it. Not as interesting as Chest pain+ Sticky Balls= smoking crack, but that is all I got for ya!!

Go figure?

Did I do That??

Remembering the most embarrassing moments in my life...

So a couple of years back, (many) I went on my tri-annual visit to my girlfriend Kristin's house in another state. This girlfriend of mine and I had the best time together; during the year when we were apart I think the phone might have grown to our ears...ahhh the times.

When I would visit her we would always hang out with this particular group of friends; some girls and some guys. Well, this particular night we had an apartment party at our friends' house that lived close to ASU campus. They had a cute apartment that included a very expensive red couch. Hey, I am just saying this is a good point to know during this story.

So, someone got out the Captain (cause we were a spicy group) and we all started drinking and playing drinking games. (I know you ‘all are thinking not Amy? I know it is hard to believe hu?) I think there were a couple of shots, maybe some random making out with some of they guys at the party and then I fell a sleep on the red couch. Somewhere about 4ish to 5ish in the morning I started to feel a little sweaty, a little stomach rumble and the room started spinning. I threw-up on the red couch; yes I know I repeat I threw-up on the red couch. (Tacky I know what can I say it was the Captain's fault).

John and Kristin my bosom buddies decided to help me out by cleaning the red couch up with a clearer that included bleach in it. I awoke not really remembering this moment in time where I vomited on the red couch or the fact that they did me a favor by cleaning me and the couch up. So imagine my surprise to awake and open my eye-balls gently (I had a raging headache, Nooo really your saying?) to the white spot on the couch. Maybe if I act like it is not really there they will not notice. Darn I do not think that will work. I die...dead. I apologize feeling really embbarrassed and John and Kristin try to come to my aid by relaying the fact that they were in deed the ones who cleaned the red couch. My friends say it is okay, but you know they had to tell that story everytime someone wondered about the white spots on their red couch. Died...dead.

Help...

Okay what was I thinking...

I was like self you have had plenty of time off lately for the holidays, right? Why not move into the New Year by up- dating my blog and giving it a new look.

Okay why did I ever do that cause now I can't see who post their comments...they all say anonymous????

How do I fix this???

Please Help...

Can you say

The girls were out last night!

Amber don't kill me cause your not smiling at the camera. I promise to put up a better one of you later...
Happy New Years!
Can you say Toasted
yep...Toasted

Ringing in the New Year...

The wind break...what is wrong with that??

So, one morning whilst minding my own business at the crack ass of dawn, I was on my way to work when out of no where a Scooby do van hit me from behind and then ran...a true hit and run and it happened to me…me can you believe??? me

I know right, I was in shock I was in dismay...I did not know what to do...

Half of my bumper was hanging off on the passengers side...thank goodness I was okay because lord knows you must be dieing and going into cardiac arrest if ur going to call in to work...

I'll just take an Advil and forget about the whip bash and headache for right now...
I warn my fellow worker that I am doped up on the Advil...I might not be thinking correctly...I might not be on my how do we say … P’s & Q’s or what have not…

So, for a week or so I drive around with a wind break...my best friend says Amies...you have to get that bumper fixed, your driving much slower due to the wind break in the back...that flapper has to go...Your car is not I repeat not a bat-mobile. What do you think that your are a pilot?...breaking the wing to help you to stop at the red light...
I say how do I fix the bumper if I have no money due to the peanuts that I work for....I do not think that the mechanics will take peanuts for payment...he says lets get out the super glue...

Okay then…we get out the super, super glue and a bolt or two and now my bumper is no longer a wind breaker…why I can almost not tell I was hit from behind by a Scooby do van…or maybe just a little….

Meeting the Parents...

Awe...he's so sweet...

I of coarse can't wait till Christmas to give Engineer Guy his presents because I think I am clever and I get him a Dane Cook CD that cracks me up...can you tell I love to laugh?...entertain myself as you will...

I haven’t see him much in the past couple of weeks and I am meeting his parent's for the first time on Christmas...What??"Eyes Open Wide" and I am not talking about the movie or is that "Eyes Wide Open Shut"

His Mother is Grammar genius and well we all know that that is not my strong point...I'm a lover not a speller...I am nervous...hey I talk to people all the time...didn't I go to his work party and say, "Okay the party can start now I am here"... Why am I so nervous...I do not think she bites....She did one time tell him to suck it up and quit playing football like a pussy...She can be as mean as my mother; so I should be trained right?

Maybe I should talk to her about the Dane Cook CD where he say..."How to make a statement at a party, go to the coat room...Shit on or around the coats then walk out. After walking out make a statement, OMG I think someone shit on the coats...OMG did someone shit on my coat; it smells like shit in here...then gracefully leave...you'll be the talk of the party and no one will know it is you"

What do you think?? Will it go over well???

We give each other only one present and I only see him for a couple of minutes I am working a lot this week...I open his card whilst the card sings We wish you a Merry Christmas in Spanish...it is a Massage...awe...so thoughtful full

I wonder does the massage have a happy ending? I might need a little release after meeting the parents...

The Boyfriend sent this to me, I thought I would share...is he trying to tell me something??

Ingredients:1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit

Instructions:Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervoagain to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffybowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to makesure the Cuervo is sill OK, try another cup just in case.Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuckin the cup of dried fruit, Pick the frigging fruit off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add aspoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the drink, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.
CHERRY MISTMAS!

__________________________________________________

A Funny

The Talk

It seems like yesterday that I was holding my little 6lbs 10 oz. baby in my arms...Boiling his nipples until he was a year old (excessive I know I was young) Carrying him until he was 5 yrs. old whilst his feet dragged the ground..and now well he is almost 12 yrs. Old, taller than me and talks like a man...God help me...Why do I have to be a nurse...I have to arm him with information that I think that his 12 yr old mind can't handle...but by way of being his mother and preparing him for adulthood (they never tell you that it will be so painful to see them grow up to be vibrant, strong young men) I must do. Because sometimes knowing too much is a curse, I know that even though I do not want to tell him about phyliss, gondaloria, chlymidious or the worst of them all the hivv...I must arm him, or at least make him aware of what lurks out in the no mans land. Hence we have the talk...
He says mom please do we have to talk about this?? He is all red and blotchy...I say yes son with the medical dictionary by my side and a condom. I say open it up...he looks at me as if I am crazy...but I know that kids his age are experimenting and I am worried for his safety...As he pulls the condom out he is wondering what the H E double hockey sticks I am about to tell him...I keep it medical, showing him pictures of STD's making him aware of what is out there...I tell him that if he chooses to do "something" he should always be armed like a soldier and that really "something" should only be shared with someone very special, someone that he is married to... I let him know that I do not approve of casual "somethings" but if he chooses to do "something" that he should always be armed...he says okay okay mom enough I know I know...but I know that he does not know...then he tells me mom a girl at school said she wants to go with me...you know circle yes or no kind of thing...I say what did you say...he says my heart hurt to tell her no...I said why did you tell her no...."grasp, my heart is hurting right now as I gulp for air" He says, well I heard your voice in my head saying that it's not time, I'm not ready for that kind of thing."Me holding back the tears, and my heart full of pride" I say son I am proud of you, you made the right choice. Wow, I must be doing something right...I mean I know that I am going to mess him up somehow don't we all, but darn that kid...he is just the best of the best... and the torcher continues as I arm him with all kinds of information to help him become a successful productive adult. I have no worries though I know that above and beyond all… he will have the same out look on life as I have “Faith, Truth, Honor and Never Judging Others”...these are the things that are important in life...

The Un-Official.... Official First Fight.....

So, I guess it had to happen sometime right...I mean I mean ... could we really get through like 6 months without a fight...or really a unofficial fight...cause I am not sure that you can really call it a fight but let me just tell you...I am going to tease him for the rest of his natural born life...because because well...I just can...

Here is how it starts...Its Engineer guy's birthday...So, I take him to a nice dinner..susi and sake...ummmmm yeah sake is the key word here...He drinks 3 sake/ beers...

I am telling one of my fabulous stories...hey...(they are interesting)...and I say the word "FUNNER"...OMG what is he the Grammer Police...
He says honey.."FUNNER" is not a word...

Wait a min. arn't we out at dinner where you are drinking having a good time and you stop by correcting my grammer???? What are we like in 3rd grade...what is it against the law to talk country...hey my family is from Arkansas...what do you want...and up tight crachity old English Major...
I make it through dinner still trying to make his day special...he's 29...what do boys know anyway?? ...but then then...we go back to his place where we are hanging out with his roomate (who is a hoot..funny, this guys a sweetheart) and he brings up the fact that I say the word "FUNNER" ...Roomate guy (by the way these guys are from West Virgina how much more red-neck does it get?) says what are you the grammer police...

I sat good night to roomate guy and go to bed...Engineer guy comes in the room and says, I know that your mad at me I am sorry...I was...ummm it is a bad habit that I learn from my Mother...I did not mean in any way to make you feel as if I thought you were dumb....I'm really sorry...I turn over...he says with his breath smelling of sake and beer...I really care about you...I do...(are we talking feeling here cause you know I am not about feelings)
I say...so tonight was not as funner as last night....
and that was it...the unofficial official fight.....

Proof that I was in love with aqua net hair spray

I can't believe that I am putting out this pic...due to the very nature of mybig hair...but I did write that I would share it with blog land when I could scan it...okay so what was I thinking...blue eye shadow...and ahhhhh what about thoughs eye brows... you got to love the fact that no holds bar I must have had the biggest hair in high school...I think I might have won a metal for it...enjoy the laugh people

Saw This Cracked Me up....enjoy

The Weekend Christmas Party

It was the Christmas party this weekend, sometimes I wonder how Engineer guy can handle my personality...
I walk in and say...to people I hardly know...okay the party can start now...
Wine.... can I say I drank a lot of wine...

It was fun we laughed...we talked...okay I mostly talked...what's wrong with me...I can't ever turn it off...

Engineer guy...my sweet...I'm sorry about spilling the wine on your nice pink shirt...(he could pull it off...the pink shirt I mean)...no I wanted him to pull it off..tehee...just a joke...I make myself laugh at times...very easy to amuse myself...

Oh yeah and for spilling wine in the elevator...it could happen..it really could

Normally I would not use the C word but ummmmm Thanksgiving was the shi'et...what more else can I say...

That's right I did it...I did it...do I remember it though

So, I haven't seen my new boyfriend...can I call him that..I think I can...
I mean...I am not seeing anyone else and ummmm we never talk about anything serious so that sounds like the protocol...no feelings right...
Friday....he says sweetheart ummmm I really need to finish this last baseball game do you want to come with me...Im like ummmm is there beer there...and ummmmm your going to hit the ball cause I can't go home with you if you suck...it is just how it is....
I say sure I can meet the folks that you work with...no problem...and well there is beer there so I am good...maybe I had a little too much beer...it could happen...the liver is evil and it must be punished...that is all I am saying...so any how...I have really been wanting to ask him how he feels about me cause you know we are both not about feelings...(except when I have been drinking then it is no holds
bars) ...
J: I say...on the way home...how do you feel about me...I need to know...really...I have been wondering I know that he cares but I wan to hear it...
why wouldn't I ?
He says how do I feel....well I never taken anyone around the people I work with....
Me: so seriously how do you feel...lets just get down to the raw deal...he says I really like you and I like crazy so we are good...
Just like Greg B says....he is attentive is he is all in...and if not he is just not that into you....you will know...
Point in case...I woke like ohhh crap did I say that ....you know I have to be the one that doesn't care as much....
He's sweet...he is loving and he handles my crazyness...what more could I ask for ....
J, I really care about you too...but ummmm let's not tell him that okay...deal..

Score..Did I Just Say That Out-Loud, I Think I Did

I love my crazy, wonderful, beautiful, amazing, sometimes painful life...

You know that you are happy again when the little things make you smile...smile so much your face starts to hurt...
ahhhh life is sweet..

Thoughs of you that know me..have read my crazy, painful, crack-up up stories and know that in May I was just not...not one happy camper..but I' back...that's it... I said it... I'm back

I found myself...I found that girl that everybody missed...that girl that laughs so much at the stupid little things in life... that girl that cracks her ownself up...that's right she is back with full force..

I mean...Okay so you know...that well Dr. GoldenRod pretty much was the only person to see that girl in May..that's cause well you know...He's ummmm Dr. GoldenRod and one day one day...I will pull him in the clean utility room..but ummm until then he still keeps me on my toes and makes me smile...

Life does have thoughs funny ways of making up for all the bad times...last night "mister guy" text me...says he misses me and would like to see me and the kid... wants me to know that he thinks of me often and really still loves me soooo sooo much...
I text him back and say and I really ment it...sorry but things are different for me now...I am sorry but I can't see you...I just can't...I don't want too...really I have no interest in seeing him ever again and then and then...

I get in my car and drive to "Engineer guy's" house...ahhhh I haven't seen him in 10 days...our lips meet...I feel my heart beat faster...as he draws me closer to him.... and the rest is history...The chemistry between us is electric...and I am amazed...

Yep, I love this crazy, beautiful, special, sometimes crazy painful amazing life...
Score...did I just say that out-loud, yes I think I did..all I can say is wow...WOW

Feel them up...

Sorry for being MIA...dealing with politics...but still thinking of you all...

I guess I have never been one to close my mouth...lesson learned...keep your feelings to your self...unless of coarse your writting on your blog then it is fair game right??
Off one soap box on another one...

Hey..to all those wonderful women out there...check your breast...call all your girlfriends and bug them...to feel themselves up...every month...

Life is beautiful...pass on the message

Off soap box....

Wonder Twins Power Activate....

Remember when we were kids and and you would play superfriends....
Oh yeah I wanted to always play the twins...I was the girl and my cousin was the boy...he would always turn into water...while I would turn into a hawk...something with flight powers cause I just thought that was so darn cool....
You would put you fist together and yell to the top of your lungs....Wonder powers activate...ahhh thoughs were the days...so carefree....so easy


These days I turn to my friend...the one with the baboo butt at verious times...Wonder twin...I say...activate...

Thanks...you know who you are...for always being there for me....even though I am not about feelings...cause...I'm just not...he knows my heart...and well...I would not trade him for the world....

I will never ask you to deactivate...just remember that....love you