Just a Few words...no worries I'm okay

While working I almost got beat up by someone who refused to believe he has Gondaloria..

Don't worry I treated him anyway with the shot...

I some how broke my thumb off...
Don't worry it wasn't really broken off...but definatley swollen and bruised..
I lost the fight with the weights....trying to keep up with my new diet...

I was sent this story in the mail. I thought I would share the smile.

Good pick up line

A Navy pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" The Navy pilot explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...." "The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" The Navy pilot smirks, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

kand that's all I got for ya!!!

Some Things Gots to Change Around Here...

Whilst in Dallas I was can you say a lump on a log. I think my Father the Marine would be sooooo disappointed in me if he knew how lazy I have been this past week. I mean it I swear, I swear things are going to change before I can like fit into my skinny jeans (I am pushing it). Semper Fi Amy Semper Fi, Suck it up as my Father would say. I say to my self, "Self I think I can I think I can". The following is in no particular order.

1: Masturbate at least once a week, hey this is not not for sexual pleasure I swear, it is to release chemicals in my brain that will help me reach homeostasis. ( You brought that right?)

2. Go to the Gym at least 4 times a week. If I start to slack I am going to kick my own arise and I will not let my self Masturbate as punishment and then you know that means....no homeostasis ..I swear it is not sexual I swear...

4. Eat better food. Why my fridge right now has plenty of raw veggies...I am forced to eat them I have nothing else, unless I start to eat my own arm off. Which in case I am kind of vain and need my arm. I have every variety of Rice cakes -that is known to all man in my cabinets (but they taste so good I swear).If I try to cheat, I will not allow myself to masturbate and we all know what that means no homeostasis...It's not sexual I swear...

6. Wright down everything I'm not anal'; will not wright down what I eat so surly I will not eat that much...

7. And there you have it, some things got to change around here...

A Couple of Reasons Why....

So, I am in Dallas the Big D for a couple of days, suddenly a flood of memories come over me and I realized why I left.

One year for my birthday I agree to go on a date with a new guy. He picked me up in a plush red crushed velvet interior, no airconditioning, old beat up car. The car started smoking as we left the safety of my house. Before the car caught on fire we made it to the restraunt. After my date put out the fire (I might ad that I was not impressed with his firefighting techques), we decided to eat and have some alcohol(to kill my embarrassment, lots of alcohol cause it is the answer for everything). After my date had several drinks, he disclosed the one thing that would seal the deal( Seal his fate forever as if the car ordeal was not enough). He told me he had a fake Ball...Nutt, Testical... Ballas, Nugget if you will...

And after everything that transpired he still had the Ball to call me...

I once Dated a Chiroprator who was from Canada that should have been my first clue. We met out at the cove. Fun, times my girls and I were living it up having some drinks when he swept me up in his Adam Sandler (before he was fat) looks, and crack up personality. Hey I like to laugh and I was getting ready to go to Nursing School we had a lot in common. The he took his hat off. OMG No, don't say it. The man was not even 30yrs old and he had a toupee. Oh it was a expensive toupee (can you say Epoxy , GLUE to his head), He would get the old ""Hair Cut", wink wink...every 6 weeks ( I might ad that he was extrememly emotional for this event) . After I had gone out with this guy for a couple of months. Hey, he was fun, nice, successful, and I thought if I pretend that it wasn't there then maybe it was just a figment of my imgination. One day he comes to me and says I have something to tell you...I say please don't tell me cause then cause then it will be true...

I couldn't handle the truth Jack..I just couldn't handle the truth...
(I have affinity for the Movie, " A Few Good Men")

One time one time...Okay you getting the picture...I have been on a lot of bad first dates and dated of couple of guys that were can we say questionalble at the very least. Hey, I'm a nice girl it could happen to anyone...a toupee here and there...a fake ball ever now and then...

Go figure?

At 86yrs Old I Think You Might Be....

The other night I walked in a patient room as I always do...
So, tell me what is going on with you??

86yrs old: you have beautiful teeth, I used to be a dentist, and that was when dentist did surgery and why I even help birth babies.

Me: Wow, thanks want to tell me why your here today.

86yrs old: You have really nice hair, who does your high lights.

ME: I do my own hair thanks, ummmm you want to tell me what's wrong with you tonight?

86yrs old: You have beautiful long eyelashes, you know I graduated 2nd in my class when I when to dental school. The only person that beat me was a guy that was a MD first.

Me: Really, so are you having chest pain tonight is that why you are here? (His daughter is at the bedside urging her father to tell me about his chest pain)

86 yrs old: You have really nice boobs too...

Me: skews me?...I laugh did he just say that you have really nice boobs?

And there you have it...86yrs. old man I think you just a little too old for me, but thanks for the complements...

This is Why I am Messed up...

Me: Ma do you have to be topless in the swimming pool (my mother has Double D's to die for and still standing at attention; she knows this) I think the neighbor is looking at you through the fence.

Ma: What the neighbors never seen boobs before? It's hot out and I am in my own back yard.

Me: Ma please put at least a T-shirt on...

Ma: No...Porque it hot that's why...

Me: I give up. This is what is wrong with me...

Hey "GYM GUY" that white skin tight shirt that you wear the the gym is not attractive...
I just thought I would put that one out there...

I Said It...I'm Such Dork

It is the ever so sequential moment in a person’s life where one opens their heart and tells their Boyfriend/Girlfriend that they indeed LOVE them..

Thoughts of you that know me know that I am not about feelings( Damn it Jim I’m a Marine). I would rather eat grubs in a rain forest, I would rather strip naked and go streaking through the parking lot (Oh wait a minute I think I have already done that not so painful), I would rather be subjected to watching basketball for 48 days and nights(I can only handle so much beer at one time), and I would rather make out with David Hasselhoff…okay let’s not go that far.

I would rather do all of thoughts things than tell “Engineer Guy” in person that I really Love him. It is a mystery to why I can tell all of the blog world my most intimate details or share the gross stories of my life (like when I was shit on at work, hold on Steve I am getting to that story).

I have obsessed about this moment for the last month. I knew that the time would come that I would have to really tell him how I feel about him. Here is the problem we both are people that have a hard time with talking about our emotions. I was a dinner with my girlfriend the other night and she says to me, “I don't understand all of the text messages you guys send to each other” or the fact that when I really have to tell him something personal I must write to him via e-mail. I tell her I am not sure; it is like I need a filter. I need to filter my feelings through any means necessary. What’s wrong with me?? She is unsure, but offers the fact that I am from Arkansas. I concur.

So, Love was in the air the other night, and I was feeling somewhat brave (I think that is the wine talking). My sweetheart is of town right now with a cold and runny nose(my poor baby). I am feeling he needs a little bit of my love. I think it is time to tell him that I love him. I open my phone to call him, then decide I should just text him (thank Goodness for technology). I write, “I love you J” and there you have it. The moment I have been obsessing over for the past month or so. He writes back, “ this is not how I imagined telling you, but I love you too”.
Awe, he loves me too. Yep, we are in touch with each other. He’s from the country too. I think this is how all country folks relay their feelings for each other…Awe, My heart skips a beat he loves me...

I'm such a dork...

Some Little Unknown Facts About Me....

I am not sure why I am telling all of you who read my blog these little unknown facts about me.

Maybe because I fell guilty because everyone is always telling me their most personal informations like...ummmm One time guy comes in and is like I am having chest pain...his heart rate 151...and he is like my balls are sticky.

What? Chest pain + sticky Balls (Testicals people, Nuts)= using Crack...
I say come clean and tell me what you have been doing...He says,"okay, I have been smoking crack and hanging out with some girls...well I think theiy were girls"...talk about TMI

1. I am a bacterica Phobe...I can't eat chicken or any meat that has been left out for more than 30 minutes. I can't eat meat that has any sign of freezer burn.

2. I love to pop zits..I am somewhat obessessive about the boil. My poor boyfriend gets put through the picking machine every time I see him. He knows this fact about me and tolerates it only because He gets my juice box, or at least that is what he tells me. Poor guy grew up in a family that is not touchy feely and then he gets to be apart of my family that will make out with you(even slip you the tongue if you don't watch out) when they meet you for the first time...

3. My car contains shoes,( lots of them). clothes, the kitchen sink, socks, various shades of lipstick, tampons, millions of little peices of paper that I might need to write on one day so I can't get rid of them, a blanket (just in case I get stuck in a bilizzard. Hey I know I live in the desert but you just never know), and tide detergent. That is not even including the trunk...let's not go there.

4. I must light candles, put on mood music, no one can be in the house, the lights must be turned down and I must say to myself ,"It is okay everyone is doing it". This all has to take place when I go to the bathroom and that is just to pee cause that is all I do... nothing else. I swear I swear.

5. I am chronically on the phone. I think that I would die...die with out my phone with me. It is like my life line. I am always always on the phone talking with my friends and family. If my phone is not attached to my ear permently; it is attached to my arse.

So, there you have it. Not as interesting as Chest pain+ Sticky Balls= smoking crack, but that is all I got for ya!!

Go figure?

Did I do That??

Remembering the most embarrassing moments in my life...

So a couple of years back, (many) I went on my tri-annual visit to my girlfriend Kristin's house in another state. This girlfriend of mine and I had the best time together; during the year when we were apart I think the phone might have grown to our ears...ahhh the times.

When I would visit her we would always hang out with this particular group of friends; some girls and some guys. Well, this particular night we had an apartment party at our friends' house that lived close to ASU campus. They had a cute apartment that included a very expensive red couch. Hey, I am just saying this is a good point to know during this story.

So, someone got out the Captain (cause we were a spicy group) and we all started drinking and playing drinking games. (I know you ‘all are thinking not Amy? I know it is hard to believe hu?) I think there were a couple of shots, maybe some random making out with some of they guys at the party and then I fell a sleep on the red couch. Somewhere about 4ish to 5ish in the morning I started to feel a little sweaty, a little stomach rumble and the room started spinning. I threw-up on the red couch; yes I know I repeat I threw-up on the red couch. (Tacky I know what can I say it was the Captain's fault).

John and Kristin my bosom buddies decided to help me out by cleaning the red couch up with a clearer that included bleach in it. I awoke not really remembering this moment in time where I vomited on the red couch or the fact that they did me a favor by cleaning me and the couch up. So imagine my surprise to awake and open my eye-balls gently (I had a raging headache, Nooo really your saying?) to the white spot on the couch. Maybe if I act like it is not really there they will not notice. Darn I do not think that will work. I die...dead. I apologize feeling really embbarrassed and John and Kristin try to come to my aid by relaying the fact that they were in deed the ones who cleaned the red couch. My friends say it is okay, but you know they had to tell that story everytime someone wondered about the white spots on their red couch. Died...dead.

Help...

Okay what was I thinking...

I was like self you have had plenty of time off lately for the holidays, right? Why not move into the New Year by up- dating my blog and giving it a new look.

Okay why did I ever do that cause now I can't see who post their comments...they all say anonymous????

How do I fix this???

Please Help...

Can you say

The girls were out last night!

Amber don't kill me cause your not smiling at the camera. I promise to put up a better one of you later...
Happy New Years!
Can you say Toasted
yep...Toasted